Faith and Fireflies

I just returned from YW camp last week.

It was......a growing experience.

We had 19 girls and a few who had attitudes which made things much harder than they needed to be and I needed a few days to just recover from the physical and emotional toll it took on me.
I don't know if I was a good leader or a crummy one, but I know I met some amazing kids that I will never forget and I would not have met otherwise.
I met girls who touched me so deeply and my heart grew last week.

I've written a couple of blog posts, but none of them felt quite right.
I needed to wait until I had my head and heart (and body) back to normal. 

Instead, I'll write about the most important experience at YW Camp- at least for me and my daughters.

The final night of camp involved a Faith Walk. 

The girls walked down a trail, where there was a pair of leaders every few yards, with a mirror with quotes about their self-worth, and they were given a charm for a bracelet at each stop. The spirit we needed to carry ourselves in was that of being in the temple- reverent, happy and aware of the purpose.

Tara and I were one of the first stops, and the very first girl to cross the bridge and come to us was my Little Romy.

As I saw my girl read the words of President Uchtdorf, and she looked up at me, for guidance on what to do next, I took the charm and placed it in her hand and whispered, "I love you" and guided her on to the path. She smiled and whispered "I love you, too, Mom" and went on. 

As each girl came to us, some skimmed through the words and opened their baggie for me to put the charm in, but I took each girl by the hand and said "I love you" and placed it in their palm.

It made a couple of girls stop and pause and I saw them walk down the path with a different look on their faces.

some girls just took it and scurried on, eager to join friends down the path.

Some girls took the time to let the words they read fill their hearts and let the moment we shared be that of a precious gift being shared with them. Some of the reactions got me crying. 

Seeing my Jane and my Kate, absorb the words, the spirit and choose to experience the gift they were being given was wonderful to me.

 I put the charm in Jane's hand and said "I love you, Jane" and she said "I know. I love you, too Mom."

When Kate came, we both started to cry. "I love you, Katie." and she said "Oh Mom! I love you! and gave me a hug and went down the path, eyes gleaming.

At the end of the walk, the girls met and gathered in a circle, where they were each given a mirror and markers. They wrote their names on the back of the mirrors and they turned the circle outwards, so that they faced the outside and sat and passed the mirrors down, each writing a quality that the mirror's owner possessed. 

As the darkness grew, the leaders took lights and we surrounded the girls, so they could see.

I stood next to a young woman who had a very difficult time in camp.
She was not active in the church and really only went because her parents made her. She'd brought clothing that was not appropriate with church camp and when asked to cover up, got into a public fight with the leaders. 

"I don't believe in your church standards, I don't believe in your stupid church!" she had yelled as she angrily stormed off and made plans to leave camp.

She'd packed her things and arranged a ride home, when one of the leaders saw her, with her bag, headed to the road and stopped her.

They had a long talk and the girl expressed embarrassment towards her behavior but reluctance to being part of the group of girls with a faith she found too stifling and backwards. She was told that it was okay that she didn't feel that way, that she was there to just have fun and figure out who she wanted to be. If she wanted to leave, she could, of course, but running away was not the way to do it.

She had chosen to stay and the day after the outburst, she had been surprised to find that nobody was mad, everyone treated her just the way they had before she had been so angry and it was okay.

As we stood, darkness falling, some of the leaders began to sing. I stood, shining light on the girls and watched this once angry young woman cry as she sang the words:

"I am a child of God, and so my needs are great. Help me to understand his words, before it grows too late. Lead me, Guide me, Walk beside me. Help me find the way."

When she started to sing I stand All Amazed, I could not hold back my tears as she sang from her heart:

"Oh it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me...Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me."

As darkness grew,  the fireflies came out.

If you don't live in a place with fireflies- oh you are missing out!

They fly through the air and suddenly there is a flash of light that lasts just a second or two, and then it is gone. 

I could see my daughters, in the light of the flashlights, notice the fireflies. 

I saw Kate stop writing and take a moment to look at the starry sky and the glow of the fireflies and the joy on her face was something every parent hopes to see in their child.

I saw Romy, do the same thing. She was writing and then, she looked up, saw the glory of her surroundings and lit up as the fireflies added their own light to the evening. Her face was serene and happy.

Jane's back was to me, but I saw she was looking out at the fireflies, too. 

Some girls never looked up, never saw how beautiful it was, never noticed the amazing moment they were in, that would never happen again. They focused on writing funny notes on mirrors, on writing quickly so it would be finished and they could do something else, they picked at the grass- all while the twinkling lights of sky and nature surrounded them.

The girl in front of me also looked up. 

She put out her hand as she tried to get a firefly to land on her.

Her face was covered in tears and her eyes were wide with wonder.

Ah, she got it.

She chose the better part.

 In spite of how she had been seeing herself, of her feelings of self hate and like she wasn't good enough- she chose the better part and I knew that she would be okay, and she had the capacity to not only be happy, but to bring happiness to those in her life- because she recognized when she was in a holy place, when a miracle was happening around her. 

All of the girls are good girls, they all have weaknesses and they all have challenges, but they are all good girls. Not one did a single thing negative- they all chose good things. 

It was just that there were a few, who chose the better part. 

That choosing to look up, to take in all that they were being blessed with and to make it a part of their souls, it made all the difference. 

 We are all so blessed and we are never alone in our trials. 

Things can get so hard that they bring us to the ground and we see so much suffering, we experience so much- but if we will lookup- we will see that we are living amid constant miracles. 

Stop what you are doing, even when you are counting blessings and look up. See the whole picture, the picture that your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have created and know that it is there for you. If you were the only person on Earth, they'd have created that same vivid, amazing world for you and your tender heart alone. They love you so much, more than you realize.

Look up.

Light comes in many forms and it is all around you, if you will just look up and seek it. 

That is what I will take from camp.

 I will take the reminder that if I will stop what I am doing- even if it is a good thing- and look up, that the fullness of the blessings I have been given can come into my life. 

I will take the humbling knowledge that my daughters have learned this, and that they see God's hand in the everyday.

They found the Savior in the fireflies.

Sunday Talk

Matt and I both gave talks on Sunday. 

We only had one week to work on them, and it happened to be during such a busy week. 

It was the talk I felt that I needed to give.

Normally Matt and I infuse a lot of humor in our talks, but neither of us really did that this time. We were asked to speak on the prophets and the restoration of the church.

When we talked with one another about our individual talks, it turned out that I had focused on the prophets, while Matt and focused on the restoration.

As always, I wrote out every word so that I could feel confident as I spoke and Matt jotted down his quotes and scriptures and gave a fantastic talk. 

Sunday, May 25, 2014 (pardon the grammar/typos- it's my working draft)

We have been asked to talk to you today about prophets and the restoration of the church. The focus of my talk will be on focused on the prophets, while Matt will speak more of the restoration.

A prophet is, in its most basic definition, a person who delivers messages that are believed to come from God.

Our Heavenly Father has always utilized prophets to lead his church and his people. There is a pretty common agreement among certain faiths that there were prophets on this Earth in ancient times. 

In Amos 3:7 we read:

 “Surely the Lord God will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets”

People can read the words of the prophets of God in the Bible, they can see that while God’s church was on the Earth, there was not just one prophet, but a number of them, covering vast expanses of time. Prophets were on this Earth from the beginning, serving and spreading God’s messages to mankind.

Somehow though, the belief changed from an acknowledgement and acceptance of God having prophets on the Earth to lead his children, to a belief that prophets, true prophets were something that only existed in ancient times. Today’s world has no Elijahs, No Isaiahs, it has no Abrahams.

And for a very long time, they were right. While there were still many good and righteous people who followed God, there was no revelation, no priesthood and…...no prophet. The Lord’s church was not found on the Earth.

Then, a young boy of 14 went into that sacred grove and spoke to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  In that moment, God was directly speaking to mankind again. The church and the priesthood were being restored and a prophet was called to lead it once again.

In D&C 21:4–5 it says:

 “Wherefore, meaning the church, thou shalt give heed unto all his words and commandments which he shall give unto you as he receiveth them, walking in all holiness before me;

“For his word ye shall receive, as if from mine own mouth, in all patience and faith” (D&C 21:4–5).

Since that time, the world has been blessed by the presence of a true prophet of God, guiding and leading all who choose to follow and we sing: praise, to the man who communed with Jehova!

There have been 16 prophets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Each one of these men was not only called of God, but was sustained as a prophet by the members of the church. Each one of these men led the church and it’s people during the exact dispensation of time when they could deliver the exact messages that God needed heard.

Sometimes we hear funny or weird stories about the lives of the prophets.  I remember reading about Wilford Woodruff’s childhood when I was a kid and laughing at how many times he got seriously hurt either from working or mostly from goofing off and doing dumb kid things when he was growing up.

I read of Spencer W Kimball and the terrible health issues he endured during a season of his life and thought that it had to be the worst thing to ever endure, to have boils on your skin and what a painful thing that had to be, and yet- it didn’t shake his faith in God. As a kid, I wondered if I would be that steadfast.

Recently, my daughter asked me what she should do if someone asks her about the church in a mean way, looking to tear her down and I told her one of my favorite stories from the life of Joseph F Smith.

 One day, when Joseph F. Smith was returning home from his first mission, “after the little company of wagons had traveled a short distance and made their camp, a company of drunken men rode into the camp on horseback, cursing and swearing and threatening to kill any ‘Mormons’ that came within their path. It was the lot of Joseph F. Smith to meet these marauders first. ... Joseph F. was a little distance from the camp gathering wood for the fire when these men rode up. When he saw them, he said, his first thought was to do what the other brethren had done, and seek shelter in the trees and in flight. Then the thought came to him, ‘Why should I run from these fellows?’ With that thought in mind he boldly marched up with his arms full of wood to the campfire. As he was about to deposit his wood, one of the ruffians, still with his pistols in his hands and pointing at the youthful Elder, and cursing as only a drunken rascal can, declaring that it was his duty to exterminate every ‘Mormon’ he should meet, demanded in a loud, angry voice, ‘Are you a “Mormon”?’

 “Without a moment of hesitation and looking the ruffian in the eye, Joseph F. Smith boldly answered, ‘Yes, siree; dyed in the wool; true blue, through and through.’

 “The answer was given boldly and without any sign of fear, which completely disarmed the belligerent man, and in his bewilderment, he grasped the missionary by the hand and said:

“‘Well, you are the ... pleasantest man I ever met! Shake, young fellow, I am glad to see a man that stands up for his convictions.’

“Joseph F. said in later years that he fully expected to receive the charge from this man’s pistols, but he could take no other course even though it seemed that his death was to be the result. This man, evidently the leader of the band, then rode off, the others following him, and the Mormon company was not molested further”

It warmed my heart when my daughter said “through and through…..that’s what I’m going to say. I’m a Mormon, through and through!”

As you come to know the lives and ministries of each of the prophets, there is a much to learn from as we learn from the prophets of ancient times.  

Just as the prophets of old struggled and sought answers for the people they served, so do our modern prophets. They seek answers and direction concerning the issues and times that we live in. 

In this ever changing world, they are the wind to set your sails to, as the landscape changes- they know which way to go.

I’ve recently been having some discussion with an old friend who was in my ward as a kid. His family have been members since the pioneer days, and with each generation, a little more of that is taken for granted, a little more of that is forgotten and seems to be of less value. This friend has a testimony, but struggles with issues where it seems that the world and the church do not agree. He doesn’t want to offend his friends by choosing a side that hasn’t caught up to the current times.

I talked to him about some of my feelings about the church and some of the issues that seemed to be causing a lot of hurt and confusion.

 I told him that not that long ago, my views were what was considered to be on one side of the political fence. It was a side that wasn’t very popular with people  in my family and every four years, I was always sent news articles and firmly worded emails admonishing me to vote in a way that was in line with the political views they had.   Some thought that in order to be a good member of the church, you had to vote and feel a certain way.

I was secure in my knowledge that the church’s position on all things are that you should vote according to your conscience and often replied with some version of “Well, isn’t free agency great- you’re not the boss of me.”

 I’m not a person who enjoys or really ever wants to be a part of a debate in the first place and I've never been known for having much tact when I feel I am being pushed to do something I don’t want to do.

As the years have progressed, my views on those issues haven’t changed very much, however, the line I was so far on one side of completely moved.

 My opinions, my morals and my values are still the same as they were before, but I am now on the other side of that line- without even having moved!

How lost I would feel if I didn’t have a prophet and leaders who were also here in this constantly shifting and changing world, right with me--who knew that the way to keep our footing was to keep out eyes and ears focused on God.  It is God’s direction we must follow, God who has the right answers that bring harmony, unity and happiness. We hear the words of God from our prophets.

Follow the prophet! He knows the way!

As tides turn and the winds of change blow around us, they lead us in the direction we should go. They make the adjustments for the church, so that we don’t have to rely on external sources to help us to find the way.

It is the prophets who help us to find and take hold of that iron rod, that will lead us to  to everlasting happiness.

1 nephi 15:24

 And I said unto them that it was the word of God; and whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction.

 25 Wherefore, I, Nephi, did exhort them to give heed unto the word of the Lord; yea, I did exhort them with all the energies of my soul, and with all the faculty which I possessed, that they would give heed to the word of God and remember to keep his commandments always in all things.

The world is always changing. Society is always changing. The amount of information and influence others have over our families is growing and it is very hard to know what is right and what is wrong in some situations.

This church has never been known for its popularity. Even as we are growing and missionary work goes forth all across the Earth- not many of the teachings are well received.  We are not the Prom Queen of religions, we don’t win the popularity contests society seems to be constantly having. 

We live in a world where it is possible to put every thought and actions on display, in a world where that is becoming the norm, in fact. I know too many of you have had to endure the daily pictures of my silly new puppy, and with each update that goes out for the world to see, there is an instant reaction and we become very aware of what our peers think and feel about things that we once discussed only with our families and with the Lord.  Everything seems open for discussion and in seconds arguments can be made to support or tear down every position on everything from serious political issues, to which 80’s cartoon character you should be.

As questions come up in our lives, we need to be sure that we are going to God and seeking the words of the prophets as we decide what is right for our families. We cannot slip into the trap of letting facebook likes determine our choices and influence the direction we go.

Follow the prophet – he knows the way.

He knew the way to go when it was time to head west and settle on that ugly desert with a big lake you couldn’t drink from, that became Zion to the Saints. The members of the church followed the prophet Brigham Young with both their souls and their bodies.

He knew the way when I was a kid of 16, nervous and unsure of what path I should go. I wondered if I mattered to my Heavenly Father, if he cared at all or if my dumb little life meant anything.  When I prayed, alone in my car,  I remembered the words of the prophet of my youth, Ezra Taft Benson who repeatedly urged me to read the scriptures, so through my tears, I opened my scriptures to D&C 6:

 22 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.

 23 Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?

--

34 Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.

 35 Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you.

 36 Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

And the prophet speaks the words of God to you.  The words of the prophet are the first place as well as the last place you should go, as often as possible- and especially in times when the world is changing around you and you need to make sure that YOU are where you need to be, that you are not shifting with the tides.

How lucky and blessed we are to have a prophets, who live in this world with us and who really do know what we are facing and the questions and problems that weigh so heavily on our hearts and minds.

Follow the prophet.

Follow the prophet.

Follow the prophet.

He knows the way.

Thoughts after Conference Weekend

Favorite quote from conference:

Normally, conference is insanely low key and a chance to just lounge around and be together.

Adding a puppy to the equation, made things a little bit crazier.

With 6 people, all home the entire time, in the house, the puppy got a little bit too much attention and I think it was a bit of a confusing weekend for Badger. 

There were accidents of all sorts. Potty accidents and Matt twisted his ankle when he tripped over Badger coming into the family room. 

This week, Puppy and I will be sticking to a routine and I think it will be easier on all of us, including the dog. 

He is a very good dog.

He sleeps all night in his crate and only barks when he needs to go potty and then he goes right back in and quietly settles down until morning.

It was still a bit chaotic for conference weekend.

We started off on Saturday with a bang, I have a child who isn't so much trying to find himself, but who is trying to prove who he is not. 

This is just where he is right now. I have been there myself.

I see his struggles and I ache for him, but I also see them through the eyes of one who has traveled down that road and knows where it leads. I am a person who tried it the world's way and it didn't work. I chose the church, I choose this lifestyle because it is the only thing that brought peace, stability and a belief that everything was going to work out, that I could be happy and I deserved happiness.

I am thankful for agency, where I can choose that.

I still make plenty of wrong choices, that those who are in a different place than I am see the same way I see the struggles my kids have. 

They cringe and wish I would learn from their mistakes.

They also know, like I do, that it doesn't work that way and just as we cannot live on borrowed light, we cannot learn from borrowed darkness.

I skipped the second session to go on a walk with my son and talk to him, encourage him to figure out who he is, not who he is not. To treat others with the respect all humans deserve and to stop seeing assassins in the trees everywhere he goes. 

I am so glad he is home, so glad he is safe, but this is not easy.

He can choose whatever he wants, I do not need my kids to be Mormons in order to love and accept them. I will always love and accept them, always support and be there for them. I do need them to make choices and to grow. If they do not, my love for them stays the same, but there are obstacles that put life in a constant holding pattern. It doesn't progress and go anywhere until a direction is chosen. You can change directions, but you must DO.

It is hard for all of us, including my child who is stuck. 

I am never going to be a parent who issues ultimatums or who uses tough love, but I am struggling with patience and need to change my focus from trying to hep so much, to moving forward with my own journey and trusting that he will choose something eventually and he will see that it will be okay. 

Conference had some talks that hit on a lot of things I have been thinking about lately, and I know I have things I need to re-evaluate and choose as well.

I have always been more of a liberal in my thinking. I usually vote democrat and I did not support Prop 8 and I think churches need to get out of the marriage business completely.  One can make covenants and promises in church, but the legal contract of marriage should be handled by the state.  These are just things that make sense to me and I am still a worthy, active and prophet sustaining member of the church- even if I did vote for Bill Clinton and Obama (well, the first time.)

I saw myself in comparison to many other members of the church and I was pretty far to the left.

As I look at the world around me now, at the always changing landscape of choice and morality, I see that the line has moved. Where I stand, having not changed my opinions and beliefs is now to the right of the line and it makes me think about how important I always felt it was that I defined myself by where I stood, based on measurements that the world created and I accepted. 

I don't have this figured out yet, but conference had many talks that made me feel like I need to really think about where I stand and what that will mean as the line keeps moving and I am no longer seen as a liberal thinker and I am 'lumped in' with those I have always felt lacked the ability to support free agency at all costs.

I believe that there was a great war in heaven, and we lost 1/3 of our brothers and sisters over the issue of agency and that it is the most important right we have as children of Earth. We must support and protect every one's ability to choose, and one of the worst things you can do is to try and take away the agency of another and control them. Matt says I'm a bit of an anarchist, and that's why everything goes back to free agency for me. I do not want to take another's agency, even if I hate what they use it for and disagree with them. I get pretty aggressive when a person tries to take away my agency and tell me what I "must' do. I have offended a few people with the simple response of "I don't answer to you, do not tell me what to do. Ask me and allow me to say yes or no, but do not presume you are the boss of me." 

So, back to the things that are poking my brain and soul-I have to figure out more of who I am and why I believe what I believe. I have to have the confidence and ability to stand by those beliefs, even if someone thinks I only have them because I'm part of some herd of brainless sheep.

I have never been a lamb who stays where she should, but I am proud that I am still and always will be one of Christ's lambs. He just has to rescue me and call me more often because I insist on learning things the hard way, in my own time and place.

And this leaves me now, wondering who I am, what place am I at right now and where will I go as the terrain I travel on continues to change so quickly and so drastically. 

I don't know the answer.

What I do know is that the answers will come and where the answers will come from. There are many paths that lead to happiness, the one that works best for me is the path the Lord and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has laid out. Even within that, there are many paths to take. 

Somewhere between making choices, choosing to move forward and trusting that the Lord loves and knows each of us, no matter what- I will figure some things out. 

It's spring, and little seeds that have been sleeping underneath the surface are starting to come through within me. It is time to stop looking at the external to tell me where I stand and to look within and know who I am. 

This was not our typical relaxing, easy conference weekend, but rain make flowers grow and storms make trees grow strong. 

They clear out all of the crap that lingered in the air before and allow us to see things differently. 

If the storms and the hardships are the price I must pay in order to see the rays of sunshine- I will pay it. 

And I will try not to complain too much, but I reserve the right to whine here and there.

My Enemy

This morning, I awoke to the sound of birds chirping. 

I stretched and walked to the window.

 I watched as they fluttered and sang while the beginnings of a nest was starting to appear on the branch of a tree in my back yard.

The sun was shining and my soul was filled with the hope and excitement that this long winter will soon be over.

It is still freezing outside. 

It has been a hard winter, the blues have hit everyone I know, all my achy joints have struggled to move as the temperature drops, our cars and yard have suffered and the kids have missed too much school this year. 

But it is just a season and it WILL pass. 

We are closer to more sunny days than we are to more cloudy ones. 

I've been thinking a lot about how this winter has affected my family, it's been rough on everyone, not just me.

 I've noticed all of my kids are struggling and things that seemed manageable before, have just become almost too much to bear and none of my children can quite figure out how to make it better, either. Nothing seems to work and everything hurts. The stress and strain on them is similar to what I have been dealing with. As a mom, I want to fix it, I want to protect them from suffering. I have felt horrible with my inability to fix this.

Yesterday, I sat in my living room after a craptastic 3 hour dentist visit and pray-cried. 

You know the prayer-cry.... where it starts off as a prayer and quickly turns into a slobber faced mess where you tell Heavenly Father you are a great big failure and you don't know what to do and  please just let the kids be happy and okay.   If you don't know that one, you probably have your own, where you tell the Lord you are basically failing at doing things that were His job in the first place. 

As I prayed, I remembered something. 

Matt and I did not get married in the temple, we had a civil wedding first. When you have been divorced, the process can take a LOT longer and Matt and I made the decision to have a civil wedding first, and then get sealed a year or so later. For us, it was the right decision. 

When the time came to plan and prepare for our temple sealing, things started to go crazy in our home. 

About 6 months prior to our sealing date, seriously,  the Gates of Hell opened up. We encountered major health problems, work problems, children experimenting with Word of Wisdom issues, my parent that  did things that caused the relationship to have to end, Matt's ex, who was always suing us, decided to target me in her latest lawsuit and we had to hire an expensive attorney just to deal with that, we were being stalked, everyone was fighting, especially Matt and I. We had car problems, financial problems, everything we worked on with the house, even simple things cost three times what we'd budgeted and being even more work. We had a principal at school decide that she didn't 'believe in autism' and we had to pull our kids out of school and move them to another one. A person at church had become so full of pride that working with him was horrible. I was often offended and sometimes vowed to never speak to that person again. 

The list goes on and on.

Life was a nightmare and all we knew to do was keep putting one foot in front of the other and move towards the temple. 

It may sound cliche', but when the day came, when we went to the temple to be sealed, we walked out those doors and the world was brighter.

 It felt as if all of the stressful and terrible monsters we'd been fighting had just faded away.  Everything we had been so burdened with cleared up and resolved itself within days of our going to the temple. We still had hard things to deal with, but the feeling like we were at war ended.

That experience taught me that the Adversary is real.

 I knew he was real, but he was always this small, ugly thing that tempted me, I was always in the driver's seat.

 The season before we went to the temple was very different. 

Satan was absolutely behind the wheel of his own Mack Truck, and he and his kind were hitting us full speed, day and night. We were being battered and beaten. Satan was real. The power he has was real. I knew that Satan had tried to stop us from going to the temple. Satan had preyed upon our weaknesses and soft spots, and he had done the same with the people in our lives. If there was a way to do something that uplifted and felt good, Satan was pushing and nudging everyone to do it in just such a way that it caused hurt and made things harder. 

So as I pondered yesterday, crying and telling God how much I suck because I can't get life to work, I remembered this and I knew.

 I knew it was happening again. 

The Adversary has declared open war on my family again in order to keep someone out of the temple. 

Zane is preparing to go on his mission this summer and he has been struggling and suffering to a degree he never has before. All of my kids are struggling in new, hurtful ways. I am drowning and angry at myself because I shouldn't be. I find myself thinking that I just want to be left alone, I don't want to 'deal with' church or anyone there. I don't want to 'deal with' family, I cannot handle anything and everything in life bites and has sharp edges.

But I am wrong about this being about me.

This is about Zane and where he is in his journey. This is about Satan trying to keep him from going to the temple. We are all being attacked and tried and harmed as Satan steps on the gas and rams that Mack Truck of ugly into the sides of everyone who would be supporting and helping Zane.  

For some reason, this knowledge helped tremendously.

I am not having a hard time because I am bad or have failed, I am having a hard time because our family is close to a blessing, close to an important and amazing thing that will provide safety and peace. Zane is close to having reached a life long goal and Satan is using every one of us to try and stop that. He is using our weaknesses to break us all down so that we are so focused on our failures and hurts that we stop doing the thing we need to do- which is moving forward to the temple with Zane.

I understand now why all of this crap is happening.

I know how to make it better and that when we work together as a family and help Zane to reach the temple doors- that this terrible long winter in our souls will end. The sunshine, light and joy await us all in this crazy family, if we just keep moving towards the temple. For Zane and for each of us. 

We are going to the temple.

I thought I was at war with myself, I thought the enemy was me.

I see who my enemy is now.

I see him and he's not going to take one more day away from my son and my family.

I know how to defeat this enemy and I have the Lord, my loved ones and the gospel to help.

We are going to the temple.

                                                                                        

I will follow the sound of the chirping birds, outside in the bright day, even though it is cold right now. 

We are going to the temple. 

Unconditional Love...Even for Me

 School is out!!!!

 What a strange and wonderful first year in New Jersey we have had.

We're looking forward to two lazy months. 

I slept in until 9 this morning. 

Even on Saturdays I tend to be up by 8:00 because my internal clock starts to get trigger happy at 6:30 am, when it's time to start the day for school.

I was a dead log this morning.

It was wonderful.

This weekend everyone chipped in to help get the apartment ready for  visitors. Having two teenage boys up there is just gross.

 They're wonderful boys, I adore them, but -ew. 

They make some of the most jaw-dropping messes and they sneak food up there all of the time. It drives me nuts, but since it's on a floor I rarely am on, it's easier to just ignore it most days. I am a slacker parent in that regards. 

But everyone helped a lot and we're ready for anything now.

If it's not clean enough to someone else's standards, they can go scrub their own baseboards and feel superior to me. 

 We're happy in our home.

With Summer in full swing, it means Matt will be working from home a lot more and I love having him around. He's a good husband and the best friend I could ever imagine. 

He's also my hot bagel date on Friday mornings.

He's hot....the bagels are hot....hotness is everywhere  at the Kosher Bagel Hut here in Springfield.

--

I was able to tackle the rest of my Pioneer Trek Sewing and finished making bonnets for all of the YW in our ward who needed one. I also finished a complete trek outfit for one of the girls.

Romy is too young for trek, but she's a cutie bug model, isn't she?

She has loved the first bonnet I made from day one and kept asking if I would make her one, just like that pink one. When I finished the other bonnets, I gave her the pink one and she was thrilled. She wears it all of the time now.

Pioneers love them some Minecraft.

She also wore it to bed last night. I think a Little House on the Prairie marathon is in order.

She went with me to the Plainfield Spanish Branch yesterday.

We helped out n Primary and Romy met a new friend, her name is Rominia and she is also 11 years old. 

I knew the girls would hit it off and we're going to see if we can have a play date after the month of visitors is finished. 

We had a great time, even if we couldn't understand anything in sacrament meeting.  

The kids are so loving and I got many snuggles yesterday.

I also was passing out sweets, which helps. :) 

I love the children, and left with tears in my eyes when one of the boys came and gave me a huge hug before I left and said "when are you coming back, Sister?" I said I wasn't sure, but I would see him in a few weeks at the activity and I'd give him some candy. he looked at me and said "I like candy, but I love it when you come here. It feels good and you are so happy and nice to me."

I put his face in my hands and said "I love you so very much" and he gave be a big hug and said "I know, Sister. You do love me." 

Yeah.

That's what matters most, that's why all of it matters so much.

The lessons, the rules, the songs are great, but what matters most is that those kids know they are loved, that they know how precious they are in the eyes of God and that we try our best to feel unconditional love and always see the promise in them- and make sure they know what we see when we are with them.

I can't do much, but I can love. 

With my own kids, if they know I love them unconditionally and that bad choices they make do not make them bad people- if they can grow up and know that no matter what- they are lovable, they are cherished and they are precious- I will feel like I did what mt Father in Heaven wanted me to do when he blessed my life with these wacky kids.  What matters most is that they know they are loved- so very loved.

They will still do dumb things, they will hurt you and strain your heart to the limit, but always, always make sure they know that when you look at them, you see what you believe the Savior sees when he looks on them- someone with infinite potential, who is completely lovable and someone that always has more good in them than bad. I believe with all of my soul that the work I was called to do is to teach, show and learn about unconditional love with our young ones. Maybe in time that will help me to see myself differently, to see myself as deserving of that same love. For now, I'm still pretty rough on myself. It's all connected and I have hope that the things I know to be true with our little ones, will help heal me so that I can see myself not through the harsh and critical eyes of my earthly parents, but as the Lord sees me, too.

I'm not there yet, by a long shot, but I'm working hard and I'm doing my best. 

This week, I got a surprise in the mail from a friend I have in Las Vegas.

She and I connected during a season when I was a new step mom and I was shocked by the way my husband's ex acted and treated people. I am still shocked by the way she treats people, but I have better boundaries now and recognize the behavior for what it is, simple bullying.  Nothing important or unique, just your run of the mill bullying. 

Nicole was going through similar things and she was a great support to me and I just love her.

She sent me this :

I've put it on my bathroom mirror. 

Thank you, Sweet Friend. 

I'm working on it, but oh, it is hard for me. 

When we got home Romy said she wanted to help with the Spanish branches next time I went, that she felt a different feeling there, like she was doing something good by helping them.

 I sure am proud of the young woman she is becoming.

Ack.

Young woman.

AAAAAACCCCKKKK. 

Blessed

I just needed to add a few more pictures of Zane's fun day....

 

 

Too many candles, Kid.

 

 

 A new journal from Grandma and Grandpa Olson.

 

A severely overpriced All Blacks tie that he wanted. You can't complain when the big gift your kid wants is a tie, though, even if it did cost more than any tie Dad owns.

He also got some games and books.....

 

 

 

 ....and was smothered with hugs from a family that loves him dearly.

On Sunday, I was called to serve as the first counselor in our new Primary Presidency.

 

I have only had ward or Relief Society callings pretty much all of my adult life- unless you count being a Wolf Den Leader twice, but I never lasted longer than 6 months both times I did that. I learned to introduce myself to Bishops with "Hi, I'm Chris Olson- do not call me into Cub Scouts, I will say no."

Yeah, I still have a lot to learn with the whole "go and do" thing.

For a long time I felt that way about Primary, although I didn't say it. I referred to it as 'the pit of Primary" because I remembered feeling so isolated when I was there and hearing my own mother talk of it as if it were a punishment. I had absolutely nothing to base that opinion on, but I also had no reason to challenge my thinking either, since it never was something that came up outside of subbing for teachers here and there.

My thinking changed about a year ago, while I was still in Taylorsville. One day I said to Matt "I wouldn't get upset about a Primary calling now."

Yeah- that's commitment and change of heart for ya....I wouldn't get upset if they asked me to serve. I'm nothing if not inspiring...

Someday, they'll write a book about me and it will be titled "Where do I Put the Stupid Cupcakes I got Guilted Into Bringing?"

Shortly after my mighty change of heart I was called into the Relief Society presidency.

 :)

I know the promptings I was having were less about specific callings and more about being willing to serve in ways that were outside of my comfort zone.

 I needed to be more open and humble and trusting that the Lord would make any calling okay-(unless it was Cub Scouts, that is.)

 

So here I am...in Primary......and I'm  super excited.

 

I am super nervous about how things will go, but I'm going to be working with some seriously fantastico women- three of them are just as new to Primary as I am.

 

When I got the calling, I was surprised, but my heart instantly told me that this was a blessing from the Lord. For a long time, I have been working very hard to put up a wall of bricks inside of myself. I know it's wrong, I know it hurts me, but I just got so tired of dodging arrows and taking hits. When I married Matt, my life changed in so many ways. My kids all started becoming teenagers, one after another. Teenagers aren't always the best for a mothers tender self esteem, and while that's normal, it still isn't easy to deal with. I had to end my own relationship with my mother, who for a long time was really the only person who told me every day how much I sucked. In ending that, boy, she needed to make sure that anyone who'd ever thought I stunk let me know as a show of loyalty to her or something. I don't know, I just dealt with it by adding another brick.  I went from being a mom with some degree of confidence in her parenting skills, to dealing with the constant criticisms and attacks of my husband's merciless ex wife.  At first I pushed back, thought that was the right thing to do, but after awhile, I just let that be another thing I dealt with by building that wall.

 

And some days, I look at myself and the person staring back seems further away than I remember. I think part of that is just life and change and growth processes, but I know myself well enough to know that part of that is because I'm trying to pump mortar through my veins too often.

 

I've been trying to change that, trying to re-awaken that part of me.

This is not a place or a season where I'm having the emotional Hunger Games going on. I'm far away from that both physically and I am stronger now, hopefully a little wiser and hopefully I am better able to handle things.

When I got the call, my heart knew this was part of the answer I have been searching for. I have been searching for and praying for a clear path to bring me back to the softer and warmer self I was before.  I knew that if I put my whole heart into this, if I served with all of my heart and soul and let the Lord teach me some of the kinder, more gentle lessons I haven't been hearing lately- I knew that I would not only get so much out of the next season of life, but that I could help bring light into others as well.

I don't know if it all sounds nuts, but I know this is not something I expected or imagined and it is absolutely the right thing. I know it is totally a blessing to me and I'm feeling pretty lucky and like my Father in Heaven sees me, hears my prayers and answers them. I think I don't always listen and I am thankful for those who do and help me hear Him, too.

 

Now, along with the darling children of our ward I will learn again that I am a Child of God. That Kindness Begins with Me and that When we're helping, we're happy- and to sing as we go....