Blessed

I just needed to add a few more pictures of Zane's fun day....

 

 

Too many candles, Kid.

 

 

 A new journal from Grandma and Grandpa Olson.

 

A severely overpriced All Blacks tie that he wanted. You can't complain when the big gift your kid wants is a tie, though, even if it did cost more than any tie Dad owns.

He also got some games and books.....

 

 

 

 ....and was smothered with hugs from a family that loves him dearly.

On Sunday, I was called to serve as the first counselor in our new Primary Presidency.

 

I have only had ward or Relief Society callings pretty much all of my adult life- unless you count being a Wolf Den Leader twice, but I never lasted longer than 6 months both times I did that. I learned to introduce myself to Bishops with "Hi, I'm Chris Olson- do not call me into Cub Scouts, I will say no."

Yeah, I still have a lot to learn with the whole "go and do" thing.

For a long time I felt that way about Primary, although I didn't say it. I referred to it as 'the pit of Primary" because I remembered feeling so isolated when I was there and hearing my own mother talk of it as if it were a punishment. I had absolutely nothing to base that opinion on, but I also had no reason to challenge my thinking either, since it never was something that came up outside of subbing for teachers here and there.

My thinking changed about a year ago, while I was still in Taylorsville. One day I said to Matt "I wouldn't get upset about a Primary calling now."

Yeah- that's commitment and change of heart for ya....I wouldn't get upset if they asked me to serve. I'm nothing if not inspiring...

Someday, they'll write a book about me and it will be titled "Where do I Put the Stupid Cupcakes I got Guilted Into Bringing?"

Shortly after my mighty change of heart I was called into the Relief Society presidency.

 :)

I know the promptings I was having were less about specific callings and more about being willing to serve in ways that were outside of my comfort zone.

 I needed to be more open and humble and trusting that the Lord would make any calling okay-(unless it was Cub Scouts, that is.)

 

So here I am...in Primary......and I'm  super excited.

 

I am super nervous about how things will go, but I'm going to be working with some seriously fantastico women- three of them are just as new to Primary as I am.

 

When I got the calling, I was surprised, but my heart instantly told me that this was a blessing from the Lord. For a long time, I have been working very hard to put up a wall of bricks inside of myself. I know it's wrong, I know it hurts me, but I just got so tired of dodging arrows and taking hits. When I married Matt, my life changed in so many ways. My kids all started becoming teenagers, one after another. Teenagers aren't always the best for a mothers tender self esteem, and while that's normal, it still isn't easy to deal with. I had to end my own relationship with my mother, who for a long time was really the only person who told me every day how much I sucked. In ending that, boy, she needed to make sure that anyone who'd ever thought I stunk let me know as a show of loyalty to her or something. I don't know, I just dealt with it by adding another brick.  I went from being a mom with some degree of confidence in her parenting skills, to dealing with the constant criticisms and attacks of my husband's merciless ex wife.  At first I pushed back, thought that was the right thing to do, but after awhile, I just let that be another thing I dealt with by building that wall.

 

And some days, I look at myself and the person staring back seems further away than I remember. I think part of that is just life and change and growth processes, but I know myself well enough to know that part of that is because I'm trying to pump mortar through my veins too often.

 

I've been trying to change that, trying to re-awaken that part of me.

This is not a place or a season where I'm having the emotional Hunger Games going on. I'm far away from that both physically and I am stronger now, hopefully a little wiser and hopefully I am better able to handle things.

When I got the call, my heart knew this was part of the answer I have been searching for. I have been searching for and praying for a clear path to bring me back to the softer and warmer self I was before.  I knew that if I put my whole heart into this, if I served with all of my heart and soul and let the Lord teach me some of the kinder, more gentle lessons I haven't been hearing lately- I knew that I would not only get so much out of the next season of life, but that I could help bring light into others as well.

I don't know if it all sounds nuts, but I know this is not something I expected or imagined and it is absolutely the right thing. I know it is totally a blessing to me and I'm feeling pretty lucky and like my Father in Heaven sees me, hears my prayers and answers them. I think I don't always listen and I am thankful for those who do and help me hear Him, too.

 

Now, along with the darling children of our ward I will learn again that I am a Child of God. That Kindness Begins with Me and that When we're helping, we're happy- and to sing as we go....

 

 

 

Finding a Wheel to Put My Shoulder To

Where did the week go?

Governor Christie say the power should have been fully restored to 'everyone' yesterday.

We still have three in the ward without power, some only got it back Friday and Saturday.

We talked about what we feel the hardest part of not having power was, and because we had hot water and a stove top, for me the hardest part was that darkness, the shadows in the house and how depressing it got so quickly. It was worse than being cold, the uncertainty and the boredom here. Everything going dark when the sun set and how quickly night seemed to come in a world where we always have some type of light 24/7. 

It may sound silly, but for me, that was probably the hardest.

When one of the women in the ward got power back on Friday, she posted that she was resisting the urge to turn every light in the house on. I laughed because that's exactly what Zane did.

I spoke to another woman who just got power yesterday and she said that the darkness got her so depressed, too. 

I would not have expected that to be such a big deal and to have such an impact, but it did.

At the suggestion of a friend from my old ward, I plan to write up my own little 'family preparedness' review and share my feelings about specific things we did or did not do, and my personal advice that people can either take or ignore based on our lifestyle differences. 

I'll get to that when it stops being 400 paragraphs long each time I try to write it all out.

We only had darkness for 6 days. 

For some entire communities, that was nothing.

I think I mentioned in my last post that last Sunday, those age 15 and older who were willing and able we asked to go and help clean up in Staten Island. Zane went and worked alongside the amazing people in our ward who serve so much. Matt went on a gasoline run to another state for those who needed it.

This weekend they asked again that people go and help in Staten Island.

This ward works so hard and does so much service for others, I do not know when some of the men rest or see their families, they work so hard. Even though I'd rather have them here with me, I am honored to know that Matt and Zane roll up their sleeves and go work, too.

 They are sweating and working alongside the absolute salt of the Earth. I'm learning so much from them, and seeing some places our family can and should make changes. I see places I need to make changes- big time. Thankfully,that's what our time on Earth is for- to learn, to grow and to change. 

I am so blessed to know these folks.

Staten Island is a disaster.

 Matt has never seen anything like it.

 It's absolutely devastated.

There isn't going to be a day where the lights come on in many of these homes. There will be bulldozers after it's cleared out enough to even get those in.

 Can you see the water line on the front door? 

Nearly everyone in this community lost everything. 

Everything.

They cleared out houses, knocked out wet drywall and hauled it to the curb, cleared wet mud from basements, and offered comfort to the residents.

One man asked 'You Mormons" to come to his yard, he had something to say to all of 'yous guys.'

He told them how much it meant to him and to his family that they came out to help, how touched he was and how it renewed his faith in people, how they were angels and would always be spoken of with respect in his family, long after this was all over. 

When he rebuilds, he will hang a picture of 'the Mormon's in his front room and he asked that they all gather for a photo in hie front yard. 

Yesterday, church was only 2 hours. We had the primary program and then they asked that crews head back out to clean up the Island. People showed up in work clothes, and it was the first time I'd seen many people in jeans and T-shirts in this ward.

My back and arthritis are simply in too bad of shape to help with the clean up. They have also asked that only those age 15 and older come to help. I cannot go, neither can many of the mothers in the ward.

It's frustrating and I've struggled with what to do.

Not only did we endure being without power, but I felt very powerless throughout the experience as well.

I didn't know what I could do to make things better outside of my own home. At the worst of it, that was what I needed to focus on, keeping things feeling okay here at home, but there were so many others who had it so much worse, I wanted to help more. My body just won't allow it and financially we cannot afford to make large donations to the Red Cross or those harder hit.

 When Matt mentioned that there was a family on Saturday whose wife wanted to go and work, but they had small kids, I realized that was what I can do. I can physically serve my sisters by giving their kids a safe and fun place to play while they go work with their husbands. 

I can help, too.

I am not useless.  

Sometimes, I feel useless and I tell myself that if I can't fix it, I need to just stay out of the way of those who can. 

THAT makes me feel great, but outside of providing food for things, I did not know what else I could do.

I've been praying so that I would find a way to serve here, that would work with my limitations.

I wanted so very much to be part of those who said "here I am, Lord, send me!" but my body just can't do it. For the first time since this hit, I feel I have found a way to do that, a useful way and I can meet a physical need. 

I can get back to what matters and feel like myself again once I stop focusing so much on myself.

I am thankful for the Robinson family for giving me the opportunity to see that. 

Yesterday was a blessing to me.

 My house is covered in sticky fingerprints and I came thisclose to having walls with artwork scribbled on them again, but I feel like I have found a way to contribute and do my part. 

We all have different talents and different limitations, be they physical or emotional. We all struggle to know where boundaries are and to find that line between rendering service and having boundaries. We want to serve and have a positive feeling about it and teach our children the blessings that are derived from it. It's hard to do when the price is your health if you serve. It's hard to feel like you are doing 'your' work sometimes when the conventional ways to serve are not an option.

Take heart, there is a work for you to do.

Get creative, try different things.

Can you help watch children while someone goes on a much needed temple night with her husband? Can you bring cookies to the Sister who just seems to be in a funk every time you see her? Can you go to the home of the Sister who just had a baby and read stories to her other children and help them clean their room? Can you make sure you teach your class on Sunday and get your own sub if you are not able to make it? Can you spend time every week either doing your own family history or indexing names? Can you pray for others? Can you put their names in the temple? Can you send a card to a missionary? 

What can you do to serve?

There is something and if you are feeling like you need to do something more, something different....pray to the Lord that he will show you where there is a need that YOU can fulfill. There is work for us all and there is work for you- exactly you. 

I have so much to learn about service, so much room for improvement. 

I am with people who have embraced it with such a fire, it's inspiring to us all- it's changing us.

I'm going to figure this out, with the help of the Lord, my dear family and my new community. I know that as I serve more and turn my eyes to others more, that even when the lights are out and shadows surround me, I will not be in darkness. 

Darkness is no fun. 

That darkness got old really quick and The Savior has light, always light. 

I hope I can learn to draw closer to it, to always have that light nearby.

I'm trying my best and still learning while I polish off the rest of the treats we made yesterday.

Wind and Rain and Snow and Tomorrows

I've tried at least 5 times to write my "after Sandy" post.

I start each post by saying that we made it through just fine and I quickly start rambling about all sorts of things.

Point is- there is a part of me that is very much not okay after this experience. Being in physical and emotional survival mode for that long, being cold, being scared and knowing you can't do anything to fix it for that long took it's toll on my soul. 

(scary things lurk in the darkness...)

I feel so very fragile, like a chipped china cup, too close to the edge of the shelf.

I have not lived in sheer survival mode for a number of years, it amazes me how thoroughly all of those old coping mechanisms rushed into my heart and made a mess. 

There were people that lost so much in this storm, people who still are dealing with dark homes, broken buildings and freezing. I know that our experience was not even close to the worst of those who went through this storm.

However, suffering is not a competition.

While reminding myself that others had it so much worse helped me not complain, it did not change that this storm hurt us.

  

I watched my children shiver under piles of blankets and sleeping bags as we tied to keep the fire going.

 I saw my elderly neighbor wander around, confused and lost with the change of the landscaping and when I asked him how I could help, he started talking about the war and asked where someone I didn't know was.

 I saw some neighbors act in ways that grossed me out as they put others at risk in order to keep themselves comfortable.

 I huddled in  my family room, with mattresses over the windows and as my heart raced and I was terrified, kept calm and made jokes with the kids and told them we'd be fine. They had no idea what danger we were really in, they knew Matt and I would protect them, just as we always had.

 I worried that people were going to go even more crazy as supplies dwindled and the darkness and cold swallowed everything up.

 I could fill up a page easily sharing the fears I had, both real and imagined and the roller coaster we went through.

I could also fill up a page with things I learned.

I could certainly fill up a page with the blessings we received.

But not today.

I just don't feel steady right now, I feel a little bit broken and I'm forcing myself to blog as proof to my heart that I am not broken and it's time to bra up and get back to this crazy new life in New Jersey.

Last night we got our first nor'easter. 

So much snow.

And as much as snow sucks, it looked like.....home. 

It looked like Utah and made me feel more grounded.

Oh yes, seasons. Weather. Sunrise.

And school, blessed school is open again.