Catching Up

I am so far behind on blogging.

This post will have a lot of pictures, and too many words, but I need to get caught up.

Last month, Matt and I went to Utah to see our Kate perform in her high school play, Les Miserables. She was the best Eponine ever. 

  

   We were able to take Grandma Harris out for dinner, and it was fun to see her, chatting with the girls and surrounded by our family, who hasn't seen her since we moved.  Matt really enjoyed getting to treat her and his dad out to dinner. 

We ate way too much and stayed out way too late but we sure had a great time. Sunnie and CJ were there and it was nice to sit with the kids and make my baby sister laugh.

I was able to get some family history done and talk with the experts at the Family History Library to help clear up some things that I have been trying to solve for years. It was exciting to present the evidence I had gathered regarding a family connection and have the workers join in my excitement as they said "You found her family- you found enough proof that THIS is her family, not the people that everyone has listed. Make the formal change in the records, you did it!"

S. S., I know where you belong, where you came from and you were so very loved. 

You were not the unwanted illegitimate child of a family that tried to forget you, it's just that your Papa and Mama had names that were too similar to another family in your tiny little town in Texas.

Family History is kind of super awesome. 

It's an interesting thing for me especially, because I have so many lines with broken branches and changes made because people got mad. 

I have people in my family that I cannot stand as well, but they existed and they had good things and bad things. Our relationship may have ended, but our being related never does. I am sure there are plenty who wish otherwise, but you do not have to have a relationship with your crazy kin. In cases where I am the crazy one, I am sincerely glad I'm not causing hurt to those people anymore.

 It doesn't change that our names belong together on lists and histories. 

I have ancestors and family who have tried with all of their might to hack people out and to pass on stories that absolutely could not be true when you look at the paper trails that people leave behind.

Every branch I look at, brings a similar issue, as I say to myself:  "that doesn't make sense, it isn't actually possible" and I get pulled into finding out what the facts were and documenting that, minus the anger and emotions of relationships that were just too hard for the living. 

I get it, but it makes for a puzzle, every step of the way. 

Maybe solving the puzzle doesn't even matter, but as someone who grew up in home where that same spirit carried on, I'd like to know it wasn't all bad. I like to see that people made big mistakes, but they also did good things too. There is life and happiness beyond the relationships that don't work, and it is okay to move on and go in your own direction. 

There is something inside of me that needs to show that people simply moved in a different direction, and that direction was not downward to Hell.

Anyway--So yeah, family history was a big part of my trip, our hotel was right next door to the Family History Library, which was very nice.

We enjoyed spending time with our Taylorsville friends.  There was good food, Utah food and a lot of laughter and hugs. Karin Holmgren came out to see me. I was so happy to see her, I love her so.

Matt caught up with his friends from Amex and we spent a good amount of time with family.

I have said it before, I love being an Auntie. 

Few sounds in life delight me more than the sound of my nieces and nephews, laughing.

There never is enough time, and I was running on NYC time, so I got wiped out pretty early in the evening every day and had to tap out too soon.  I can't go that long without seeing my little sister again, so we're going to try and get her out here in the spring.

 It's just too cold to enjoy NYC in the winter. It looks lovely in postcards, but it's too cold.

Since coming home, we enjoyed a quiet Thanksgiving at home. We decorated for the holidays and have been listening to a lot of Christmas music and eating a lot of Holiday treats. 

We had friends from the ward stop by last night to visit and celebrate Zane's birthday (today!!) and the kids had fun decorating sugar cookies and making cards for the missionaries. The adults talked and visited and raided my Diet Coke stash and a good time was had by all. I am so thankful for the friendships I have in this ward.

Even with 25 kids running around, it felt like a close family get together, because these people here are the family of our hearts. As much as I miss and long for my wonderful friends in Utah, my life would be lacking if we had not moved here and added to our family with our friends in the Short Hills Ward. 

So that's the theme of this too long blog post: family.

We traveled to spend time with our family, both the living and the dead. 

That sounds so creepy, but I'm trying to tie it all in, Yo.

We came home and were surrounded by our new family as well and it's all so, so good. 

Emma, Kate and Jane will be here in 2 weeks, and the Olson family will hunker down and absorb each other. The blog will probably suffer more, but my heart will be happy and bursting with the joy of my own family- one more time.

This is Pure Snow! It's Everywhere!

Two points to the person who names the reference, and minus twelve to anyone who has no idea. 

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So, that "post a day" thing didn't exactly happen, but it did get me blogging more consistently again, and that was the  real goal. 

We've been blessed with a ton of snow this December.

When I was younger, I lived in Idaho and some years Christmas was white, while other years, the snow teased here and there, but wouldn't really start sticking until January.

Snow that waits until January is just rude.

By January, you're looking forward to spring. 

There's nothing magical about January or February snow and March snow just gets on your nerves. 

Don't judge me, the voices in my head totally agree with my logic.

When I was in 9th grade, my family moved to Arizona and that was the end of any snowy Decembers.

It didn't bother me, it was nice to be able to still go out and do things in the evenings, to see the lights at the Mesa Temple with my friends and Arizona brought a whole new world of December that involved people and places and it was it's own kind of magical. 

I was in Arizona for a long time.

 I never once took my kids up North just to see the snow. I took them to the Zoo, to the park, to the Temple. Christmas was a time for outings because it wasn't 400 degrees outside. 

December was the reward for putting up with August.

When we packed up that U-haul and headed to Happy Valley, my body was not ready for this season called "Winter."  I bought the heaviest coat I could find and knew it was going to be a rough adjustment for me. I had no idea how to drive in the snow, and it seemed that my fingers would never warm up.

Until they did. I met this really tall guy who gave me a reason to drive in the snow, and who kept my hands and heart  warm with all of that mushy schmoopy stuff that Caleb would prefer I not mention.

Snow and winter have been a part of life, ever since. My joints ache and hurt and I'm still wearing that ginormous coat, but it's okay. I know that December snow is magical.

Last year, it snowed on Christmas Eve.

 It snowed as my seven children all went outside and danced in it, while they waited for Santa. 

December snow will do that.

December snow deserves to be danced in. 

I am thankful that I have kids who know that, and who remind me that even though there will be wet clothes and windshields to scrape- everywhere I look.....magic. 

Look out your window.

Do you see it, just glistening, as the sun shines on it?

Maybe the magic is in the branches of the trees, cold limbs reaching out, trying to grasp the sun so they can thaw.

Maybe the magic  is in the back yard where the kids have tromped and smashed and made chaos of the ground as they try to build forts and snowmen. 

Look outside, and find the evidence of magic that December has brought to you.

Then  make some hot cocoa and finish your holiday shopping online- it may be magic, but it's COLD, Yo.

Mother's Day Mind Dump

Mother's Day....

Ugh.

I am not a fan.

I've had some good ones, I've had some rotten ones, but every single one stressed me out.

Some years I can deal with it, others are a bust.

This year was not a good year.

I have some very good mothers in my life. Women who love me unconditionally, who teach me, guide me and see the good in me, even when I'm screwing up and acting the fool.  They see in me, and have always seen in me the person I hope my Heavenly Mother sees.

I also have people in my life who see me through such a critical eye. Women who felt they had a right or some kind of need to point out every mistake they caught me making and make sure I understood that they feel I am a terrible person, and if God asks them, they'll make sure he isn't fooled by me.

...sigh....

Somewhere, between those two is how I usually see myself.

I work to move towards seeing those who understand love and away from those who believe love is only for  the worthy. 

I know love is for everyone, even the people that I think suck. That means it is also for me, in spite of the opinions of people who feel I am a rotten loser.

I'm good with that. To each their own.. but oh, those years of hearing it, of having it pounded into my head and my heart, the years of believing the garbage. ....they leave some scars.

Mother's Day has a habit of bringing those old insecurities and self worth attacks right to the surface for me.

Maybe that's normal, maybe it's crazy.

All I know is that I usually spend most Mother's Day having a day that is the polar opposite of what I feel it is supposed to be. Keep the gifts simple, no worries- no breakfast in bed or honoring mom show- I don't want to go to church and listen to everyone talk about their awesome mothers or about how awesome of a job they are doing- I feel like a total screw up on both counts there. I'm happy for those who have that part of life hammered down, it never was for me and I am just not strong enough to let it all roll off my back and not poke me in the heart and cause me to bleed weirdness all over the ward. 

Matt and I use to go out of town. 

 Some people thought that was a terrible thing to do to my children. We always came home on Sunday and did the gifts and cards then and had a nice dinner, but it was also always a weekend that my ex could get an extra day off and was able to see the kids. I'm not going to have them all miss out on getting to have a longer weekend with Dad just because we've assigned that one for a day of giving flowers and cards and honoring this mom, who is very uncomfortable being in the spotlight in the first place.

A few years ago, we started going to Lagoon on Mother's Day.

 Yep- I'm a Sabbath Breaker there, but for us, it made Mother's Day good. The park is always nearly empty on that day and we love amusement parks. 

Everyone got to just have fun and 'fun' is my love language.

Last year, I think I had to teach or speak or maybe that was Matt, but we went to church. 

It was one of our final Sundays in our ward in Utah and I was surrounded by the women who will forever be my "moms."  They were there for me during so many life changing events in my life and they helped me make choices that led to real and true happiness. They were there when my own mother decided to behave in ways that made it so that we cannot have a relationship again. 

I frequently cry and struggle over that, but we do not burn bridges with the intent of walking across them again.
 I put my energy into building different bridges that took me to places where I believe my Father in Heaven would have me go. 

Last year was a goodbye to the women who I will always love and hold sacred for showing me something about being a mother and being a daughter that brought joy and peace. As hard as it is to not have the one relationship, I know the Lord saved me and fills my cup with the amazing women in my life who I truly believe promised to find me in this Earth life and care for me.
 I was fed, nurtured, and when I was messed up, they helped me set my mind and heart straight, that I would choose the right and be happy. 

I was with them all last Mother's Day.
 I was with my children in the grey barn shaped house with the red door and irises exploding in the front yard. 

This year, I awoke and said to Matt "I can't do it."

He still had to teach and he headed to just do Sunday School and then come home.

I sat in my room, hurting. 

Physically, my back was killing me, worse than it has been in awhile. My heart was hurting as well.

I miss my Parker. I worry about him and I long to have him near. I miss Emma, Kate and Jane. We went from a house full of sisters to a house with only one little girl. We are outnumbered again, Romy and ,I and we kind of don't know what to do with that sometimes. 

Being away from Utah, there is a part of my brain that thinks- I don't live there anymore, the reality of how messed up my family is can't hurt me like it did when I was there and had to live it, things could be as they were. They weren't right, but I could convince myself that they were okay because you could end horrible phone calls and you could compartmentalize the nasty relationships. 

A whole new version of weird emotional orphan grief has crept it and it's not just that relationship- I miss those other mothers. I miss Joie, Betty, Doreen, Sher, Lori, Karin, Joey, Vickie, Michelle, Ila, Nancy M, Sandy.......

I miss Matt's Mom, Maggie. I miss my nieces and nephews and watching what great mothers all of my sisters and sisters in law are to their squids.

I miss BEING a mom to all seven of my kids.

 I miss the default number being nine. 

I miss that the most.

 I miss that 'me.'

Sometimes I feel like my arm was amputated or something. I look around and everything is in it's place, everything is where I put it, but something is just gone, gone and I ache to have it back.

I guess I feel that way about my own mom, too most of the time. 

So it was a hard one. 

This is hard to write.

I need to write it so that next year- when it is better- because I know it will be-- I will be proud of how far I came. 

This year, I cried in my room. This year I stayed in my pajamas. This year I yelled at my family. This year I was a mess. 

This year, more than most- I hated Mother's Day. 

I hated it and I felt like I was the only one.

After church that I ditched was over, I got a text from Tyra, inviting us over for dessert. 

It was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to stay in my cave and be an angry bear at everyone. I wanted to bleed and hurt and pick at my wounds. 

An alien abducted my body and texted her back "Sure! What can we bring?"

Seriously? 

I said that?

Then the hope of a sick kid got me out of it, I told her we couldn't come. Roe was sick- the kid had overdone it on candy while her Dad was here . (Did I mention my ex husband was here- at our house ALL MOTHER'S DAY WEEKEND?  I underestimated how annoying that was going to be.)

When I cancelled, my soul started flicking me 'you need to go. Stop being a butt. GO."

So, I texted again and said we were coming.

I don't think she got either text, though. Perhaps the Lord of Technology spared me exposing my crazy a little.

We loaded up the kids, sent the ex on his way and went over to Bishop's house.

I braced myself for a family full of happy happy we love our mother and grandma and they love us and happy happy super happy.
 It's good to be happy- I just was not feeling much like being good or happy. It was 100% something broken in me, not in them.

But I went and I thought "If I can just get a hug from Leah, who gets shy around me or have Abe sit on my lap and let me tell him how much I love him and what a good boy he is for a moment, I will get in a better place."

I went there and the love of that home embraced me breaking heart. The faces of people here that I love completely and who I know love me smiled and welcomed us in and just like that- my dark cloud started to lift.

They kids all took off to be with their friends and as I listened to them play and yell and not have to worry about anything but being children...I remembered that these are those perfect moments and I wasn't going to let Mothers Day ruin one more moment that day.

I saw the faces of my friends, all who carry their own hurts and struggles as daughters and mothers and I felt like I was going to be okay.

And Leah gave me a hug as she looked at me, still with unsure eyes.

Abe sat on my lap and told me that he was a good boy today in Sunbeams and he sang a song. I told him he was always a good boy. Maddie cuddled up to me and asked when she could come over and play, I promised her we would soon. Hannah sat on my lap and we talked about what pretty shirt she had on and I told her I was so happy that she was such a kind girl and I was proud of her. Helena called me a rock star and Issac have me a hug too after I called him "Bishop's kid' and called me "Olson's mom."

 (Alien or President Monson? You be the judge.)

(Good luck getting one past Zane, Joe)

We played games, and ate creme' brulee. I'd never had it before- holy yum.

When it was time to head home hugs were shared and Tyra said quietly to me "Now this day is finally over!"

I am not alone.

For different reasons and to different degrees, Mother's Day has hard things for women. There is always some bittersweet in there, even on the best years.

Our children grow, they change-we grow, we change. 

I think, Mother's Day is hard for us all. 

(Tyra and her kiddos)

(Michelle and her sweeties)

 (Rebekah and some of the kids who wish they would adopt them)

(Ruth and her darlings)

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We can choose what we do with hard/happy days like Mother's Day, but I think next year I will come at it with a plan in place to not let my emotions and memories consume me, but I will also allow myself some space and time for the tears that come with this growing thing that we do here on Earth. 

This was a long post and probably a terribly insane post but I'm still figuring things out in my life and this was my Mother's Day in the little white house with tulips and violets and the crooked front porch .