The Mormon Brady Bunch

Yesterday, someone said to me "You and Matt are always so in love. You've had to overcome so many challenges as a family and yet, you two look at each other like newlyweds. Your kids all seem to really love you. I can't even tell which kids are your's and which are Matt's- you're just.... a family. How did you do it?"

How did we do it?

When I'm asked that question, I usually answer with some version of "We're still on the roller coaster ride. I'm just waiting to see the cool special effects when we explode at the end."

I don't actually expect us to explode at the end. 

I don't think there is an 'end' and I think there are always explosions, they happen along the way and you keep on moving. Good days and bad- the good are amazing and the bad kick you hard in the soul.

One thing I know for sure is that Matt is in this with me. He's buckled in and holding on to the safety bar right beside me.

 There is a security I have in this relationship that I never had before. I've got some good security with some of my closest friends, but it's one thing to love and support someone as they go through trials, it's HUGE, but it's a different thing to be dealing with those same trials, to have to endure the consequences of weakness and help pay for mistakes with a person- to take on all of the gross stuff as your own, because it's your problem, too.

That's how 'in it' we both are. 

Like us or hate us- we choose to be tethered in together. 

I trust Matt. 

I trust him even when I kind of want to kick him in the leg and I know he wants to do the same to me. 

I trust him even when I know I'm right and he's wrong and he has the nerve to actually think HE is right.

 I trust him when we reach that part in an argument...I mean... heated debate where we both realize right and wrong are nice, but when it brings contention- all of it is wrong. 

I trust him when he drives in Manhattan, but I still step on the imaginary brake and clutch the 'we're all going to die' handle.

 I trust him when he places his hands on my head and calls upon the power of God to bring me comfort, to bring healing and to give me strength that I just don't think I have anymore.

 I trust him as I look across the room in the temple and he winks at me, every time.

When I met Matt, it rattled me.

 He was this funny guy I'd been talking to online and on the phone who was really easy to talk to. 

One January night, that funny guy walked in through my front door, our eyes met as I dashed into the other room for my coat. For the first time in as long as I could remember, someone saw me - the me that I don't show everyone, that I certainly didn't show anyone those days. He saw the person I was and wasn't distracted by all of the things I'd done wrong in my life or by the people I'd offended and disappointed. 

The last thing either of us needed at the time was a relationship, and a soul mate was totally off the table. We had plans and lives that were newly rebuilt after we'd both been treated like such garbage by our former spouses, people who never stopped to think of anyone but themselves.

 That's my short version, we had just been fed so much of their 'you suck' syrup in our marriages, that we stayed because we believed we deserved it, that we had done something to cause them to treat us in a way that decent people don't treat ANYONE. 

We both still highly defined ourselves by the flaws our ex spouses were still constantly pointing out and exploiting. 

There was no reason to look for or even really want a big, permanent relationship at the time.  We were young (at heart) and good (enough) looking and when people acted bad, we could delete their number from our phone and move on to better things.  

The timing for a relationship was lousy.

Neither of us was looking for that.

And yet- here was Matt.

He was this tall and handsome guy with the warmest smile. He had an amazing heart and I had never laughed with anyone, the way I did with Matt. He was smart and interested on so many things, he had opinions and listened to those opinions from others. He was a good man with just enough bad boy in him to keep me on my toes.

He quickly became everything to me.

I didn't have any hope that we would last, but I knew that he was going to be my last great love of my life. It was going to be the end of me, but I needed to be with him like I needed to breathe. 

So that's what I did, each day, I just breathed him in.

 In and out, reviving my heart and taking up so much space in my soul that I had to kick out some of the former residents there. 

 I had to evict the 18 year old girl, with a split lip and a broken down car, hiding from the boy she adored, but who decided to hit.

 I said goodbye to the girl who put a note and a ring in a mailbox in the dead of night, who didn't have the courage to say it was over to someone's face.

 I let go of the girl who hid in the bedroom closet, afraid of her mother's rage, vowing to never let anyone get close again. 

 I released the girl who said she was sorry to a young man, but she didn't love him; the girl who walked out of the room when he broke down, so numb that she felt like she was looking through the eyes of someone else as she closed the door behind her. 

I released the girl who sat by the side of a hospital bed, clothes still covered in soot, who begged God to just let her child be okay and if he did, she'd never make another mistake again.

I kicked out the girl who packed up her husband's things and told him to leave and never look back, knowing that was precisely what he would do.

 Goodbye to the girl who skipped her own graduation, goodbye to the girl who tried to change bad relationships by wishing on stars and the girl who could not, would not let anyone in. 

My love for Matt filled up all of those spaces, knowing that soon, Matt would be gone and those empty rooms would only have a ghost in them.

Matt was leaving and I was not going to ask him to stay. 

I'd whisper it, in the too late hours of the nights when we'd fall asleep watching TV at my house. "Stay" was always there, on the tip of my tongue like some kind of prayer I didn't actually dare say out loud or a wish I didn't have the pennies for.

 In every conversation, it was always one word away but I was not going to say it to him.

I think I knew that Matt needed to go to Chicago, but it was so hard to not see Chicago was some mistress that was taking him away from me. 

Spring came and he flew so far away, but he also flew so high and as he soared, he stretched out his hand to me and I exploded into the skies over Lake Michigan, rocketing to a freedom to be myself and to live my own life that I had never known before. 

We married in the summer and when autumn came, we made a together home, forever. 

We were both changed and we have made very different choices than we would have made if I had asked him to stay, if I'd have given him the ultimatum that seemed so logical to give at the time and to everyone else. 

 Chicago kind of forced us to invent a completely new type of relationship than we had ever seen or experienced and I think the changes, the fact that we were creating this family and this life from scratch helped a lot. Nothing we knew really applied, so we came up with something different, something that works for us.

When they ask me how we do it, I think my answer is that we let each other breathe, knowing & trusting that it's the same air. When he breathes in, I breathe out. I take air into my lungs, he releases it. We know that in order to grow as a couple, we have to be okay with growing as individuals. The ability, the choice to build a relationship from two whole people has made it so that when the whirlwind comes raging at us, we get through it and hopefully, we have something that our children know they can tie an anchor to, and no matter what they do, who they choose to become- Matt and I are solid. We are there for them just as we are there for each other and we respect and love them as individuals, just as we do one another. I think that is something we are doing right. 

That's my answer today, at least.

Down the road, I may say "Xanax and cake." 

Octoberness

Halloween happened.......

This year, at 13, Romy was too old really to go Trick or Treating.

I know plenty of kids do it into their adult years, and I didn't forbid it, I just wasn't going to take her. She was welcome to go with friends, but she decided to stay home and hand out candy with the rest of us boring grown ups.

I told her that the morning after Halloween, we'd get up early and I'd show her one of the deep, dark, happy secrets of Halloween in Grown-Up Land...the marked down candy at Target on November 1st. 

She was thrilled as we loaded up the cart with big bags of all of her favorite Halloween treats and we skipped things like Tootsie Pops and Pal gum. 

We only bought our favorites and since it was all 50%-75% off, we bought a ton, using the excuse that we'd save it for Christmas.

(You know you've done it, too, and it never last until December.)

I think she was fully converted to the "Day After" Holiday.

She did other fun things for Halloween, there was a costume dance at school and we had our yearly ward party. 

She wanted to be a dinosaur this year. 

As I was bracing myself to figure out how to sew a giant dinosaur costume, I walked by Conway and saw a child's costume on display for 10 bucks. I think it was actually a pair of footie pajamas, but I bought it anyway. She was too tall for it, so we cut off the feet, added a tu-tu and called it good.

The ward party is always a riot. It's a ton of work to put together and Wendy and Chris Koller did a great job this year. We really know how to have fun in the Short Hills Ward. :)

I hope you all had a fun Halloween!

NYC in 31,600 Steps

Emma, Kate and Jane came home for UEA weekend.

(In Utah, there is a fall recess so the teachers can attend a training workshop- that exactly zero teachers I know attend. Teachers need a break, too.)

Since it was just a short trip and the weather was going to be amazing, we packed a ton of things in our two full days together.

 I love, love, love  street art.

Bryant Park

We caught the morning bus to Midtown and spent Friday sightseeing, shopping and visiting the Museum of Natural History. 

Yes, this guy is famous. 

No, we did not get his autograph because he's a statue and doesn't actually come to life and ask us for gum-gum.

Also, he doesn't like to be touched by fans.

Worst. Dinosaurs. Ever.

19,600 steps- over 9 miles of walking that day. 

In the past month, I've been committed to getting my daily goal of steps in. The dog is going on way more walks, and go figure, he's managed to get house trained. He fought going outside, but since I wasn't going to turn around and return home until he went potty, he  gave up and quickly realized that going outside got him a treat.

Smart dog- feisty and bratty, but smart.

It took him about 4 days of consistent long walks and going outside to discover the joy in marking things.....every 10 feet. He also attempts to pee on any dog that he isn't trying to bite.  

We're very popular with our neighbors who have dogs.

Walks with Badger are not super fun right now, but he's getting better.

This is why you tall people should never date short people. 

I was glad to see that after a solid month of walking every day (except for when I was sick) I was able to keep up and it wasn't even that hard for me on Friday. 

Saturday was another story.

We all had Jell-o legs, but we also had theater tickets, so we forged ahead. 

We were able to get tickets to Phantom for a really low price and everyone had a wonderful time.

I will be forever thankful to my friend, Wendy Koller for showing me how to get the cheapest theater tickets, so that now, when we have guests, we can actually afford to go to shows. 

It was fun seeing each of the girls connect with and react to different scenes, I was crying during my favorite scene, where Raul's life is being threatened unless Christine vows her love to the Phantom. 

Emma & Jane have been to three Broadway Shows, Kate has been to four and Romy has been to two. I've lost count, but I think I'm at six or seven. 

Five years ago, I'd have sold a kidney for the chance to just attend one Broadway show in my lifetime.

It makes me so happy that my kids get to experience it and that they know we're all very lucky and blessed right now to be able to do this. 

We had Doughnut Plant for breakfast, NY cheesecake for lunch and Popeye's for dinner.

Super healthy.

It's a good thing we got in all of those steps.

We made a Popeye's convert out of Kate. KFC is lovely, but oh, Popeye's.... 

There isn't one close to our house, thankfully.

The girls flew back to Utah on Sunday, and Kyle and Rebekah came over in the evening to play games. 

We barely defeated the zombies, but Wanda had to die, in order for the rest of us to escape.

RIP Wanda, the roller skating waitress who had no weapons save a frying pan. 

You had to die because you sucked.

I' m not dead yet.....

We sure do love Kyle and Rebekah and can't wait for their baby to be born this spring. 

I might possibly go crazy with baby gifts for them, and since they are like younger brother and sister to us-- I get to be Auntie to their baby and Aunties spoil children with presents they don't need.
That's the rule.
 I read it in a book somewhere.
Probably the Bible, so it MUST be done.

Today, a cold front has blown in and the kids are bundled up in coats and I have to figure out how I'm going to get those steps in when the weather is just too cold.

Matt has finally succumbed to that awful sickness I had 2 weeks ago and he is home, in bed, coughing and dying. 

I've got 50 pounds of apples that I'm going to make pie filling with and can this week, and we have the big ward party coming up this weekend. I'm in charge of decorations, so I'll be busy making Halloween crafty messes all week.

Life isn't quite the same now that the kids are getting older. 

It's strange how much time and energy went into just managing the chaos when they were all small and home all of the time. Now, people have routines, jobs and everyone wants some alone time to decompress each day. The house is quieter, there aren't toys to trip over and plates of cookies don't get eaten within 20 minutes of my taking them out of the oven. We work out where the cars are going to be and aim to have at least one night a week where we can all be together, but usually we can only manage to have most of us together.  We are all very busy with our individual things and it's a strange season. 

I guess I think they are all strange.  I'm one of those people who wakes up every day and life still surprises the heck out of me.  

I always have the same sense of wonder at how each miraculously ordinary day unfolds, even when things are terribly predictable and obvious to others. 

Eh, I don't hate that about myself. 

The world is crazy wonderful, even when it's quiet and boring and cold.

NYCC and Nyquil don't mix

Yesterday was the first day of New York Comic-Con.

We went last year and took most of the kids, but this year, we decided to have it be a date activity.

I love the kids, but the crowds were massive and once they got bored or tired, it was like dragging around...well, a kid. 

Matt took the day off and we were both really excited to see the people, the booths and to meet one of our favorite authors, John Scalzi. We'd gone to a reading in SLC and met him, and we were looking forward to another opportunity to get books signed and breathe the same air as someone we are huge fans of.

But there is no way Scalzi was going to want to breathe my air.

I woke up with no voice.

I'd had fever and a cough all night and I felt like death.

I was sick.

But I could still get dressed and so I slugged down as much cold medicine as I could keep down and Matt and I agreed that if we needed to leave after an hour, that was okay. if I needed to crash in the hallway and take a nap at the Javits Center, that was okay, too. if i was going to hack and cough on everyone at the event....well, that was not okay, so we agreed to leave if my cough came back at all. 

I fell asleep on the bus ride into the city. 

The line was a good 6-8 city blocks long to get in, but it moved the whole time. 

Some of my stronger medicines kicked in while in that line, so i was having a pretty good time. 

We saw booths featuring video games, lots of comic book store booths (I don't recall seeing any of those last year) and there were a lot more book dealers this year than we saw last year. 

We walked a ton and kept ourselves hydrated with 4 dollar diet cokes and hit lunch at a Greek place. I had fried mozzarella, and it was the first time I have ever tasted home made mozzarella cheese. 

It was so good. 

I'm still craving it today, it was wonderful.

We stayed until we both felt like our feet were going to fall off and I knew I was at  risk of ending up dead in some alleyway if I took  any more cold medicine. 

I was getting grouchy and all New Yorky on people, snapping at them to move and get out of my way.
Did you know I started doing that?
 I know, it's terrible and rude and when I'm tired, I totally do it now. It's a big red flag for us all that I need to leave the city and go home, that I'm too tired- I just don't know it yet. When you're with me and you hear me say " MOVE!!" to some nincompoop who has chosen to stop right at the top of an escalator, or in a doorway...it's time to go home.
Even though they do need to move, when I'm not tired, I say "excuse me." 

Okay, I say "move, please" but still....

If you've lived here, you understand. 

I fell fast asleep on the bus again and we didn't have a ride home from the bus stop, so, we walked.

It wasn't too bad, the bus stop is by Roe's school and I walk there and back every day. 

I only whined a little bit.

Today I will not be walking there.

Today, I woke up and shuddered.

I not only have no voice, but my throat is raw and hates me.

I am either burning hot or freezing.

Every inch of my body hurts and I go from being restless and uncomfortable to passed out on my bed. 

I'm not taking enough drugs to kill an elephant today, I know I need to just rest and let this work it's way through. 

So there you have it- I went from totes kicking it with famous authors and Cosplay Kings and Queens, to lying in my bed, in my pink polka dot pajamas, binge watching Master Chef with a gross pile of tissues piling up in my room.

Man Cave

As you know, when I am under stress, cook and I redecorate. 

There is something about a new look or a different perspective- or maybe just working until I am so worn out that I am too tired to give a crap about the things...that gets me through.

There is also something about whipping up a batch of sweets that helps ease the pain in the rear that my stress decorating causes. 

Homemade marshmallows certainly make everything better.

I have struggled with our front room from the beginning. It is oddly shaped and I have not been able to make it comfortable and functional at the same time.

 One day, I will have the perfect solution, but today is not that day.

Today is a day when I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want.

I don't want the couch in there any longer.

I also don't want the kids making such a mess upstairs, as they always do in whatever area the X Box and Wii are put. 

The boys and and their stuff needed to go downstairs,  we were no longer wasting an entire room  of the house simply because the ceiling is low.

It's a great space, but it only gets used for storage.

 We've tried making it a bedroom, but I have giant children who complained. 

There is a fridge in the hall outside of the room and it has a full bathroom attached. It's seriously perfect for normal- sized people.

Yesterday, I decided,  as Bob is my witness, it WILL be a functional space.

All by my arthritic self, I moved the sofa into the basement.  (It breaks up into two parts, so I wasn't a She-Hulk, but I WAS still kind of a badass.)

I relocated storage bins, and had Grey and Parker bring the TV down.

Once they saw the couch in the basement, to my surprise, the boy s actually got excited about it and started to talk about how it was going to be the 'man cave' they had always wanted. 

(Who knew they had talked about a man cave?)

We set up a gaming table and a shelf for snacks.

The movies and games were brought down and Greyson set up the electronics.

After a few hours, we found ourselves standing in a bona fide man cave.

The boys love it. 

I love that I cannot see or hear the X box and the upstairs can stay clean.

 I love that when we have visitors, I won't have to spend three days upstairs, scrubbing and cleaning out teenage boy filth.

I love that there is a specific home for the thousands of Magic cards we have in this house, as well as our large collection of board games.

 I love that this space is being used, finally. We have a comfortable, functional space that people want to be in.

Now, I just need to figure out what to do in the front room.......again. 

Good Stuff

Last week, the kids had a 4 day weekend for Rosh Hashanah.

Romy and I hopped on the bus and hit the town for some Mom/Daughter time.

We picked the ONE day it has rained in a month to go, but we still had a fantastic day together. 

We're tough East Coasters now, we're not afraid of a little rain. 

(Snow is another story.)

 We met up with Matt for dinner and took the train home.

We ate at a place called "brgr." 

They boasted grass fed beef and after a few bites of her very expensive burger in the trendy spot, Romy said "I wish they'd have just fed the cows regular food, this has no flavor."

We were all thinking it.

While it's lovely that it was all fresh and organic, it was still a hamburger, not a Kale salad made from free range hippee dreams.

We give it one super organic pretentious star.

You want a good burger in NYC- try this place in Chelsea:

It doesn't have a/c and they use red lights in the room, but outside of that slight mental hospital experience, it's a really good burger and fries. The onion rings are killer, too.

Another bonus of Lucky's is that it is just up the block from a certain doughnut place we like. 

If you're going to have a heart attack, do it in Chelsea. 

 It's gorgeous outside right now, I know that Autumn comes every year, but growing up in Arizona, I still am blown away by how beautiful seasons are.

  I thought Utah was the Garden of Eden, we had grass and trees, but living here reminds me that Utah is also a desert. 

I'm getting outside and enjoying the weather as much as I can because .....