Monday, October 17, 2016

I've Seen That Smile Somewhere Before

Matt and I had a busy week. 
We had a banquet that we attended in the city with the NYC Business Professionals something or other that gave an award to the head of the Catholic Church in NYC, Cardinal Dolan.
It was a fancy night with fancy people and fancy food that I didn't eat because I'm picky and have the refined pallet of a six year old. 
It was a fun night, but a late one.
The next night we had tickets to a play.
It was an off Broadway production that I've been a little obsessed with the soundtrack over called Tick Tick Boom.
Great show, great performances-- but another late night.

Two late nights in a row really reminded us that we are old.

I think I am not an 'old soul.'

I'm still a pleasantly surprised at  things like the sun coming up each morning and seasons happening and time passes so quickly for me a lot of the time. 
There are dark times when it's harder, when it feels like everything is standing still- but I'm still always kind of caught off guard over whatever happens next.

You'd think life would feel...predictable now, that I'd know more of what the heck is going on, but honestly, most of the time- I'm still walking around with my eyes wide, a little startled at what's going on around me, trying to catch up.  My life is still just a series of run-on sentences because I don't really know where one thing stops and the next thing begins. 

That could possibly be in part because of the ADHD, but whatever....

I am not sure that I am going to grow old 'gracefully.'
I suspect I'm going to do it the same way I have 'grown up'-- with noise and a lot of stumbles. I don't plan to fight it, but I'm not setting a metaphorical place at my table for it.  
I don't feel like I'm in my 40's, but my body- especially after late nights in Manhattan- reminds me that I am.
Saturday, Matt and I could not ignore the screams of "YOU ARE OLD" from our bodies and we spent the day just finishing up stuff around the house and watching movies.

One movie we watched was the new version of Saturday's Warrior. 
Have you seen it?
Oh, it's good.
The first 10 minutes make you worry that it is going to be dumb, but then it changes directions and gets much, much better.
It's an actual movie with a plot and real characters with motives instead of a bunch of morons who sing and dance and treat each other like crap like they 1989 movie version. 

As we watched, the early Julie and Tod scenes played and I looked over and Matt and smiled.
We certainly had one of those "I've seen that smile somewhere before...." love stories. 
Matt says he knew the moment he saw me. 
I suspected, but it took me 24 hours to admit it.
I knew I'd seen him before- and not as the handsome guy in wool pants (I will never let you live that down, Babe) on my doorstep that January night. 

It really was a love at first sight situation and even though we are getting older and he snores and I change the thermostat 20 times a day-- we are still super in love. 
I love him and I like him. 
He's the person I knew from Before.
I looked over at my husband, and he smiled at me and I knew we were both happy and thinking the same thing- that the cheesy circle of our love goes on forever. 

I suddenly had a realization that made me so happy.
I said "I can't wait for all of the fun things we're going to do when we are young again."

I am a person who has an irrational fear of my own death. 
Okay- it's a scary thing, period, but one of the awesome things about the Gospel is a knowledge that we live after we die, that Earth life is a super short stop on our eternal journey and it's supposed to be temporary. That knowledge brings most people a lot of comfort and acceptance about the Lord's timing.
It's never done much to help me feel better and ever since I was small, I have been terrified about whatever comes next. As I had kids, it got worse, and I am a person who is scared to trust any of it, to let go and be okay with those things we cannot change- things we agreed to and things we need in order to progress.  
I know it's a big obvious sign that I have things I don't understand and I have big areas where my faith is lacking.
I haven't figured out a way to fix that yet- because I am afraid.
I feel bad that I am afraid. 
And when it comes up, my fears halt my progress and I get stuck, so in order to keep moving forward in life, I just put it all in a place inside of myself that I plan to get to later, when I might better be able to process it. 
Anyway- my point.
For the first time in-- ever---that I can think of, I thought about the life that will be after death and I felt something positive. 
 There are those I love that I have always looked forward to seeing again on the other side, but not enough to say I'd be okay with leaving THIS place for.

Matt and I met when we were in our 30's.
We were just about to start a season of life where age is real. 
As we watch our bodies get older, as things get a little harder, take a little more out of us and we struggle to be okay with the knowledge that we WILL have to settle down one day- I am aware that I have never known my husband as a young man.
He never knew me before I had a body that gave birth to four kids. We never knew each other before we were already showing the wear and tear from time, and from some of the hard things we had been through and choices we had made. 
There have always been responsibilities- responsibilities we welcome and cherish- but he and I will never know that season of being young and carefree and the only thing holding us back is the limits of our imaginations.
Yeah.... we WILL know that.

If I choose the right, if I grow, if I learn what I came here to learn- if Matt does, too- we will spend way more time in our younger, perfect bodies- having whatever adventures we can dream up and we will be able to do that every single day, forever. 

So maybe- just maybe- getting old isn't so bad because it means I am closer to being young again and we are closer to getting to be the people we were before we came to this Earth and I can only imagine the great time Matt and I will have when we don't get tired, when we always look cute (he always does anyway) and when we know that everything is not just okay, but perfect- forever. 
Maybe I can do this, maybe I can start to stop being so afraid.
Maybe I can see those wrinkles as evidence that I'm getting closer to something with Matt that we didn't get to experience on Earth. 
I want to be young again--with him.
I think I understand better now and I am still freaked out and still annoyed that by 10 pm my body says "Yeah, I'm done." 
In less years than have already passed for me on Earth-- I will be in a place where Matt and I can be sweethearts always- and we will be young again. 
That's a real thing and I know it is real.
It's something to look forward to.
I think I am going to let 'old ' happen and even though I will still be constantly caught off guard by life and I will probably never feel as if my legs weren't wobbly underneath me, I am going to be okay with the next season happening.

This blog post was brought to you by The 2016 Great Midlife Crisis of Clarissa Anne.
And the number 9, Yo.

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