I have a great life- a wonderful life.
I have seven healthy, usually happy kids who always text me back unless I'm asking about homework.
I have a husband who gets it- and who gets me. He's brilliant, funny, strong, good and totally my type. Every day I can't believe I snagged this guy.
I have some good relationships that trudge with me through hard times and run with me in the sunshine.
I have a father who loves me and who is an example to me of not allowing the worst days we've had in life choose the path we lead forever.
I know God loves me. I know The Savior gave his life for us all, and he'd have done it, even if it was just me, even if I never figure out what the right thing to do is. I know Joseph Smith saw and talked with God. I do not doubt the truth and the promise the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints brings into my life. I screw up a lot, often willfully, but I know the church is true. I know I want to be where this path leads.
I have a great ward- a ward that is family.
I have a family that I love, even though adulthood has brought estrangement and walls in many of us. I have a hope that one day, we will figure it out and just heal. I think each one of my siblings and siblings- in- law is absolutely, 100% doing the very best they can, that they are good parents and they are showing courage that amazes me. I love my nieces and nephews so much I could eat them up, I miss them terribly. I love being an Auntie.
Financially, we were able to stop the bleeding. Now we just need to resist the temptation to pick at the wound. (Wow- gross analogy.)
My cars all run, my house is warm and dry and my life is really good.
And I am depressed.
I have no reason to be depressed, but I am so depressed that yesterday my doctor told me that if something drastic didn't change in my life, I was headed for ruin. As she talked to me and I said "I'm doing fine, I really am, it's just hard in the winter." She said in her blunt native New Jersey way: "You are not fine. You have gained 50 pounds in six months. You are wringing your hands as we speak and you look like you are about to break. You are not eating right, you are not exercising, you are not leaving your house, you are not cleaning your house, you are snapping at your family, you are not taking care of yourself, you are not fine. I care about you and you are not even close to fine."
I looked at her with a blank face and said "Well, I'll work on it and I'll get fine. It's okay."
She said "Fine is the next step, but you have many steps ahead of you. We need to get you better. When I met you, you were happy and healthy and I only met you a year ago."
We talked about WHY I am struggling and I really don't have an answer, only that I feel super guilty that I don't have an answer.
We worked out some things to do, and I have to see her in a couple of weeks because the awesome thing about how my depression manifests itself is that I get so much anxiety, when I need to make the call to do the thing that will help me, I freeze and start at my phone and I cannot move forward. I hate the phone, I really do. Cell phones were not something that helped my life, they make it harder, but I'm too much of a helicopter parent to not have one.
So, frequent visits with my doctor need to happen, as a push to get me to follow through with .....well with anything.
So here I am.
Faith. Love. Safety.
And I feel like I'm wrapped up in a spider web all of the time.
I think saying it out loud is something I need to do. It gives me accountability and means I am not putting off beginning to try and get out of this stupid pit any longer. This pit that makes no sense and I haven't been able to outrun and find my way out of with some positive thoughts and prayer.
I am not fine right now.
That doesn't mean I'm scary or crazy or need pity.
It doesn't mean I am needy, or that I'm dumb or lazy.
It doesn't mean I am a sinner or a bad person.
I didn't do something to earn this, it isn't karma, it's chemicals and the lifestyle choices I made to try and deal with those chemicals- choices that didn't work and when things don't work, the depression gets worse.
It means, I have a problem and I want to and need to solve it.
It doesn't mean I'm bad, it just means, I'm not fine right now.
In the meantime, I'm going to still be lousy at returning phone calls and emails. I'm going to flake out on things that shouldn't be so hard to do. I'm going to let myself put a higher priority on doing the things I do when I am happy and work a little every day towards functioning like a normal person. I'm going to work on losing weight, without turning to some extreme diet, I'm just going to try and move more, eat less and drink--gag--water instead of so much Diet Coke.
(Don't email me about the health dangers of Diet Coke, I do not care.)
I have a really great life.
I have more blessings that I can count and I have faith that everything is going to be okay.
And I am struggling with severe depression right now.
It's a fault in my chemicals, not in my character.
I said it.
I said it and it's a not a secret.
It's not a secret and now, I can give myself permission to work on it and to take some time working on myself.
Unless I find cake in the house. If I find cake, all bets are off until tomorrow.