Sunday, August 18, 2013

I'm not Up to Being Strong

I have to get out of my bed.
I have to stop crying my eyes out.

Matt took the girls to the airport, they're headed back to Utah and I'm dying all over the place.

Sometimes, 'goodbye' feels like 'till we meet again' and sometimes, it rips your soul out and leaves your heart in chunks all over the place.
This one is a hard one.

Stupid, horrible, necessary but sucky... loss.

This summer, something was returned to our family and nearly every day, the seven of us practically absorbed each other. Family was seamless and effortless this summer and we could not get enough of just being together.

 We didn't feel this way last summer, we didn't over Christmas. I think part of the reason was that we were having our shock and awe experience of being in New Jersey.
This summer, I was just Mom and Matt was just Dad.
The kids were brother and sister and Romy got to enter a season of being a Young Woman with two big sisters who loved her and wanted to be with her. Zane reconnected with his sisters and in all of this reconnecting, it felt more whole than it was during some of the seasons of our lives.

We felt the clear absence of our Parker and Emma and we wanted them with us, but we also took care of one another and loved each other.

 It was a good, good summer.
 I did not want it to end.
My heart feels as though it is being stomped on and ripped apart with the knowledge that I won't just walk around the corner and my Katie is there, that my Janie is not here. 
Tomorrow I will start to catalogue the memories in my heart and put my feelings in the proper places, but today, I have projectile soul vomiting and I just cannot stop crumbling to the ground, crying.
I hate hate hate hate hate being far away from my children.
This is by leaps and bounds the hardest thing in my life right now.
This is the part I wonder if I can really do, and today- I just don't know how.

You moms with little ones- it is so cliche' but the years are so short and one day the house is quiet and I'm sure it will get better, I believe it will get better but on days like today, when my children are so far away from me and I do not know when we will be together again... Today, I think this is what hell will sound like. No screaming and wailing, no bombs and exploding fires- Hell will be a quiet place. A quiet pace where you cannot hear your loved ones. Hell will be a place where they are not and never will be again.
My children will come back. We will see Parker again in a month and the girls in November. We will be together again in no time and I still have three that are here every single day. I am blessed and lucky, even though my heart is breaking today.
It reminds me though, that I want to always live my life so that one day, I can take comfort in knowing that I can see my loved ones again, that it will not be silent, that my walls will be filled with memories and stories and the laughter and teasing of my children forever.

It's all so very real and clear with this tiny taste of what it would be like if I turned my back on the things that matter most and miss out on being an eternal family.  I can deal with the loss, I can cry my tears and wet my pillow today, but I am going to make darn sure that I do all I can so that the quiet and the loss is only an issue of miles- and miles are an Earthly problem. 

Don't be offended if I don't answer the phone or respond to texts or emails this week. I'm a mess and my sweet husband is a mess, too. Romy has been crying already a lot as well. This goodbye business is terrible on our tender hearts.

Is it over yet?
I'm tired of having to say goodbye.


  1. When I saw your post on FB that the girls were going to the airport today- I had that sinking feeling today was going to be tough and rough for you! Stupid we do not know each other but I guess because our faith and love of our kids I know that heart wrenching feeling if being here and they are not and especially after fun filled days ! I am crying with you Girl and hope you and your family feel better soon! Xxoo

  2. I feel your pain. When Anthony has been in our home he is my child, when he goes back to his mother's he is hers. I always find myself counting kids and thinking i am missing one. Feelings and competitive nature came full swing when Anthony entered the MTC and would email his mother but not his father or siblings. The jealous monster that lives in all of us reared its ugly head. Why because that is what it does. I have since realized Miss Queen Bee AKA Ex wife. Needs to fill like this is her achievement that she helped Anthony get to where he is all by herself with no help from anyone else, but we all know the truth. Your children know the truth the girls on a plane back to Utah know the truth. When they are with you they are YOUR children. And you love them as such, so jealousy, no favorites. YOUR children! Hugs dear friend...... Hoping your week turns around. November will be here in less than 102 ish sunrises. Each day brings them closer.

  3. I'll connect with you when my heart stops weeping.

  4. What a great blessing meeting new friends can be, even for adults! Such a treat to meet you and the family and see them before you all got split up again! I hope all is going better for never gets easier no matter what anyone says!!!! I did it too many times and it never got easier!Thank heavens for our faith in the gospel and loved ones to comfort us. Miss you guys!