Thank you for two hour naps, for no errands to run to and kids who are old enough to make their own after church lunches.
I've been avoiding the blog lately, I have just had a great many things on my mind and it's hard to know where to draw that line between being a smiling sack of Prozac and sounding like a nut case while I figure some things out.
I have figured out a few things, I am still working on others.
I have figured out that I need more Sundays that involve just going to my ward and time with my husband and children. I love my calling, but I cannot do three Sundays out of every four traveling. I need to find more balance there. I need to give my self permission to realize that we are out here in this peanut shaped state and that my ward family and the time our family spends with them is a need, not just a want.
I need to be with these people and have my cup filled in ways that only they can during this season of my life.
I have figured out that my issues with food have been 40 years in the making and there is nothing that is going to change them unless I can change me. I have to make some core changes in how I see myself, my body and treat my heath if this is ever going to stop being this great ugly that I battle every single day in one way or another. I have no idea how, but it starts with making changes, not just some diet or workout plan- life changes.
That's going to be a toughie, but I'm here on this Earth to learn and grow, Yo.
For Mother's Day, Matt got me something I have been wanting for years. This gift is helping me figure out some other things.
Matt got me the audio books for all three of The Kingdom and the Crown series of books by Gerald N. Lund. He wrote The Work and the Glory series, this series has only three books, and they are set beginning with the 30th year of Christ's time on this Earth.
My hope is to get through all three by summer's end and I have been enjoying them.
One of the things I love is that it makes me think on a deeper level of what it must have really been like to be at these amazing and scary times in history. There are characters all living at the same time, all with strong opinions and passions and belief systems and as they attend the same events, they have very different experiences. I like that. Too easy we all say "oh, if only I had been there, I'd have believed, I'd have followed the Savior. I'd have listened to the prophet and known he great presence I was in...."
The truth is...maybe we would have and maybe we would not.
Was it really any easier?
How well are we listening and following the leaders we have now?
Is it so different?
Do we think we'd be more obedient if we had heard the exact same words from the ancient prophet's mouth than when we hear the words of the prophet now? Would it have just seemed so clear in that time, when these days we factor in so much crap to muddle the message and justify our sins and weaknesses?
I read works like this and I hear my own doubts and issues in some of the characters, quite often. I hear many of the things that are pillars of my own faith in those same characters as they process what they see and hear and try to figure out what they are supposed to do.
Would I have seen the Savior and been a disciple or would I have said "Oh, that's a great idea for everyone to do, but I have special circumstances. I sure wish that person who hurt me would hear his message and change, I think he was speaking to them...."
I don't know what I would have done, had I been born at another time. I only know what I am doing now, in the time I WAS born into. I have things I do great at, and things I struggle with. Some experiences and words of the prophet sooth my soul and make me feel so wonderful and others bring out the stubborn part of me that says "I just can't deal with that, it hurts too much right now" and I shut down or deflect responsibility.
What am I willing to change and do so that I can be more like Him?
It's a bigger thing than just wondering what I can work on so I'll feel better or have more happiness. It's a decision to make some different choices and to really let go of all of the things that are on my 'someday' list for repentance and a commitment to follow Him.
I feel my feet on the edge of a path and in a way that is different than before, I am heading out, on that path.
I can't explain what the change is, just that I have a different purpose, I guess. I want to journey ahead so that I can be closer to the Savior and to God. I want that.
I want it more than I want to be 'right' with people that have wronged me.
I want it more than I want an 'out' for things that make me feel trapped.
I want it more than I want to just be safe from people who suck and who hurt me.
That doesn't mean I can be around those people, that's not it at all.
It means, I find a new level of letting those bad things & people go and pick a path that is different from any oath I took that involved the harm they caused. I stop investing in getting away and make the choice to focus on the Savior, and going towards Him. It's something different for me and my family.
All of this probably just sounds nutty.
Perhaps blogland isn't the best place to process things, but you've stuck with me this far- may as well see where the train of my brain crashes.
I know this: the desires of my heart are in the place I feel they should be right now, I just need to get the rest of me there.
A thousand years from now, when they tell the stories of this time, will the character of Chris Olson be one of a person who heard the words of the prophets and believed, or will it be the story of a woman who would not let go of her hurts, the things that wronged and cheated her and who passed up on the blessings and joy that were right there in her same dispensation of time?
I don't know for sure, but I have this tiny spark inside of me that thinks that perhaps I do have the capacity to make that a story of faith and of love.
If nothing else, it will be a story of one heck of a journey.
Also, Greyson turned 14.
Seriously I have had just about enough of this growing up thing my kids are doing.
Can you believe this is his second birthday in New Jersey?
He turned 14 and enjoyed some presents, an ice cream cake and dinner at Pizza Hut.
He did not enjoy the wait staff singing Happy Birthday to him.
He also was ordained as a Teacher today and Zane got to assist in that.
That made me cry big happy proud mama tears as the Bishop, Matt and Zane all laid their hands on his head and another milestone was hit with this little guy of mine who I just cannot imagine a day without.