Saturday, June 29, 2013

My Handcart is an SUV

Today, before the summer chaos really takes hold, Matt and I are going to the temple.

It's a ridiculous pain in the rear to get there and I struggle because just the getting there and getting home is a huge smackdown on my peace. There's no driving happily home as I sing along to Kenneth Cope songs and float into my house, inspired and calm.
You walk out the doors and BAM!!! 

Loud, dirty, speedy city. 
You go and pay 60 bucks for your car and the honking and cutting off craziness begins as you try to get off the island and it's a drive that costs a lot, emotionally and for me, it disrupts my peace at such a huge level that instead of focusing on the experience I had, I just want to get through the tunnel in one piece.
And honestly, I avoid going to the temple these days.

I avoid it and when my kids went, I had anxiety, knowing they would be making that same journey there and back that stresses me out so much that I don't go. 

But that's not okay.
I miss going to the temple. I miss feeling familiar in the halls of the House of the Lord. I miss knowing it's my house, too. 
I focus instead on doing family history, in my calling, in local service, but going to the temple seems to be such an ordeal and I told myself it was more trouble than it was worth.
even as I told myself that, I knew it wasn't true. I knew it was an excuse. 
It's not that I don't want to be there, that I don't love the temple, but the journey is a real pain in the rear.
You know, that tremendous treacherous journey in the safety of my own car with my husband at the wheel who keeps me safe and the whole hour it takes.


Last night I dreamed that we decided to go to the temple. In my dream I had names ready and I felt the spirits of those family members who were on the other side of the veil, dressed in white because today was going to be their special day.
I gathered my bag, put on my Sunday best and before I left, I checked to make sure I had my recommend and when i did, I realized it had expired.
Now, an expired temple recommend isn't the end of the world, it happens. Your lamp can have it's proverbial oil in a week, after you meet with the Bishop.
But it won't happen on that same day and in my dream I saw the disappointment on their faces as they lovingly smiled and said to each other "maybe next week, or later then.."

I don't know how everything works on that side, but I know it's not working on my side. 
I know I have had a list of names and feelings to go and I tell myself I'll go soon, but I avoid it because the city is noisy and it's not easy to get to the temple.
 I don't go because it's not easy
Yeah, time to pioneer up.

Today, I am going to try and see if I can keep the sense of peace I have at east until we hit the Lincoln Tunnel. If it's too crazy and I'm frazzled, that's okay. I'm not crossing the plains barefoot, I'm in an SUV with my husband and we have candy. It's still good.
This week, there have been a lot of things on the internet that are an assault to one's peace.
We all have free agency and I love that. I love that we can share out thoughts, ideas and fears with each other and I am sad when I see so much ugliness. I know that's life, but I choose not to participate in it and instead teach my children what I believe is right and encourage them to find out what THEY believe and live it. Free agency and choice- even for people who come to different conclusions. 

I liked what Cjane had to say about the state of things and she said it better than I could.
The battle isn't us vs them. The battle is one we have with ourselves, that natural man/woman and whatnot.
It's not neighbor against neighbor, it's me against me. 
What I desire is peace.
It is the thing I hope for this day.


  1. Love this! Each of us has our "reasons" we don't go - thanks for the reminder to "pioneer up"! I am always so refreshed to read your blog - thanks for always being real.

  2. What a wonderful reminder! My excuse had long been that it's just too hard to get there with little children. I recently started going anyway and have found that I'm a much better mother when I've had a bit of respite and a spiritually uplifting experience.

  3. I live in a city where it is incredibly easy to get to several temples, and I know I don't get there often enough. Thanks for the kick in the pants reminder.