Lately, I have had some bad days.
Nothing Earth shattering, I needed to get some new understanding of some things and I am thankful that I am never alone when I need a little perspective. I have the Lord, I have the words of the Prophets, I have family and I have great friends both in Utah and in New Jersey to help me get my head on straight.
Thank you, Ruth, for reminding me that people communicate in different ways and that I need to look on the heart, always.
What I thought I was seeing, was not what was before me.
I was the person not seeing things clearly, I was wrong.
And isn't it great to be wrong?
No, seriously- it's awesome. We're here to learn and how can we learn anything if we believe that we know everything? Realizing you are wrong means that the Lord thinks you are ready to learn something RIGHT. It means he is trusting you and showing faith in YOU and he is helping you to grow.
The atonement is for everyone- even you- so when you've messed up and gone astray and you realize it.....YAY!! The Savior is right there to help you get back on the path you want to be on! He loves you and is helping you to grow.
That doesn't mean that every hard thing you get is awesome and you just shout for joy when the trials come. It means that when you learn that you were wrong about something, you can feel relief and learn what is right. It isn't a shameful thing or a bad thing to be wrong. It's bad to think you are always right and that admitting you were wrong somehow makes you less.
There are so many things about me that I just can't seem to fix, or even begin to work on. I have so many bad habits and wonky ways I see things. I make so many mistakes, but every so often, I get that clear understanding that I was completely wrong about something and most of the time I am glad. It takes the pressure off to fix it and allows me to give myself permission to lay the whole mess at the Lord's feet and say "Hey- will you deal with this ball of mess? I thought it was for me to solve, when it wasn't. Sorry I wasted so much time on it."
If you will do just that, give the Lord back the ball of trouble that wasn't your's to begin with, you just thought you were responsible to fix everything- he'll always take it and work it out in the way it needed to be. And you'll usually glance around and see the ball of mess that IS your problem to work on.....
Most of the time, it's all okay and there is peace to be found in the process.
Some of the time, it's so hard you just don't think you can do it.
Some of the time, you just want to stop swimming and sink to the bottom of the sea and soak in quiet, dark hurt.
Growing is awesome, but so very hard and sometimes it is pretty ugly.
Before you take in that deep breath and go under, just do this one thing:
Reach out with your heart and your ears to the Lord and listen. Hear the voice of the Good Shepherd who knows you are lost and afraid and His voice and words will bring you to a safer place. Reach out to the people in your life, in your ward. They can't solve all of your problems, but I'll bet my bum that there are people who are in your life right now who can help you solve the day. Sometimes, a lot of time, if you can just get through this one terrible day- you will be okay with the rest of the hard ones ahead. Sometimes, just being able to cry and break down and not worry that your family is going to see it and freak out is a huge help. Sometimes, just hearing the humor of another person, or the trials they are going through help you get through. There are always lifelines, always hands that are there to grab onto and keep your from going totally under.
I am forever in awe of how when I reach out, I do not go under.
Oh, I still feel like I'm drowning and I'm scared beyond words, but I don't actually go under. I don't sink and cease to be. Always, there is someone there.
I am so thankful to those who have been there for me when I was almost determined to drown in a sea of troubles and problems that weren't even my own half of the time, I just needed to be right and in control of everything. I am thankful that I know people who will lovingly tell me that if I would just make a slight adjustment, if I will remember that the goal is to see things as the Savior sees them- that I will have a more accurate idea of what is really going on. I am thankful that I'm often wrong and that the Lord trusts me enough to let me see that and do something about it.
So, yeah, I'm having some bad days.
'The rut' is still here and I'm really sick of winter.
I continue to make so many mistakes that I have lost count of the second chances life has blessed me with.
But I am still here, bra'd up and trying my best.
Right now, in spite of the piles of laundry on my sofa and the petrified french fries on the floor of my car- in spite of the fact that today is a scrunchie and fatpants day and in spite of the fact that we are having chicken nuggets for dinner for the 3rd time in a week.... I believe the Lord is smiling upon me and calling my works 'good.'
I am blessed so much it's crazy.
I really am.