I've tried at least 5 times to write my "after Sandy" post.
I start each post by saying that we made it through just fine and I quickly start rambling about all sorts of things.
Point is- there is a part of me that is very much not okay after this experience. Being in physical and emotional survival mode for that long, being cold, being scared and knowing you can't do anything to fix it for that long took it's toll on my soul.
(scary things lurk in the darkness...)
I feel so very fragile, like a chipped china cup, too close to the edge of the shelf.
I have not lived in sheer survival mode for a number of years, it amazes me how thoroughly all of those old coping mechanisms rushed into my heart and made a mess.
There were people that lost so much in this storm, people who still are dealing with dark homes, broken buildings and freezing. I know that our experience was not even close to the worst of those who went through this storm.
However, suffering is not a competition.
While reminding myself that others had it so much worse helped me not complain, it did not change that this storm hurt us.
I watched my children shiver under piles of blankets and sleeping bags as we tied to keep the fire going.
I saw my elderly neighbor wander around, confused and lost with the change of the landscaping and when I asked him how I could help, he started talking about the war and asked where someone I didn't know was.
I saw some neighbors act in ways that grossed me out as they put others at risk in order to keep themselves comfortable.
I huddled in my family room, with mattresses over the windows and as my heart raced and I was terrified, kept calm and made jokes with the kids and told them we'd be fine. They had no idea what danger we were really in, they knew Matt and I would protect them, just as we always had.
I worried that people were going to go even more crazy as supplies dwindled and the darkness and cold swallowed everything up.
I could fill up a page easily sharing the fears I had, both real and imagined and the roller coaster we went through.
I could also fill up a page with things I learned.
I could certainly fill up a page with the blessings we received.
But not today.
I just don't feel steady right now, I feel a little bit broken and I'm forcing myself to blog as proof to my heart that I am not broken and it's time to bra up and get back to this crazy new life in New Jersey.
Last night we got our first nor'easter.
So much snow.
And as much as snow sucks, it looked like.....home.
It looked like Utah and made me feel more grounded.
Oh yes, seasons. Weather. Sunrise.
And school, blessed school is open again.