Monday, July 2, 2012

Home?

My house is so quiet.
All of our kids are scattered about, spending time with other family.
This happens every so often when you have a "your's" "mine" and just -call- them- "our's" family.
We kept things orthodox Brady Bunch here and did not have a mini version of Matt and Chris. The world simply cannot handle that much sarchasm, and can you imagine if we had?
We'd have a 3 or 4 year old child now
. That's something to shake your head about.
Romy is  Alice, always

We thought about it, we seriously considered it and prayed about it. We even looked into a specialist to see what our chances of having a baby would be if we had some 'reversals.'
 It never felt 100% right, but for awhile, the idea of it made my heart squinch with longing.
One day I was sitting in Relief Society and Ruth was giving her lesson. She was talking about the joy she gets from her grandchildren and the fun she has in being able to spend a day or even a week with one of them, just caring for them and being in a season of life where she can say yes to every little idea a child can think up, the ideas that make Mommies feel guilty that they have limits sometimes
Ruth had peace and as she spoke I was filled with peace.
We were not supposed to have an "our's."
Life was going to take us places where we needed to be able to move and do things and we were supposed to move towards the grandparent part.
It isn't that part yet, thankfully.
My oldest baby will be 19 in a few weeks, the youngest will be 11 in a few days.
There is still plenty of time before that part begins.


But they are all gone right now, and I can't hear Spongebob, or legos being dropped or giggling.
This weekend I did hear that cry from the concrete and Matt and I followed it.
We went into the city to the Cloister's Museum.



Matt, admiring the frescos

Mormon in a sundress....
I do get double takes when I'm wearing a tank top with a t-shirt under it.
I  pretend they just think I'm fashion forward and looking fine....

This was original structure from a stable.
 Cows and pigs an stink.
 Incredible.



The Book of Revelations, one of Matt's favorite items at the museum


The stained glass was breathtaking. Some had scenes that made no sense, like one had a scene with monkeys building a table. I have no idea what that had to do with any religion, but it was interesting and gave me something to research.

Beautiful, amazing and perfect.
It's a building that was donated by Rockefeller to the city and it is filled with Christian artifacts. There were elaborate sections from ancient monasatries that have been incorporated into the architecture, a stunning mideavel garden and so many tapestries, sculptures and sanctuaries.
I am a museum junkie and this one was spectacular.
If you're ever up here and want to go, get there before noon so you can take advantage of the free parking, it filled up after lunchtime.

The kids start returning on Friday, everyone will be here for Parker's Birthday.
 It's been strange having the kids scattered everywhere, but it's nothing we haven't been through before, it was just that I felt more like WE were not scattered as well.
It's not home yet.
 The house is feeling more and more like "us" and I don't feel like I stick out everywhere we go. I'm driving places and running errands, even exploring but there is nothing about New Jersey that feels familiar except church right now, and even church is missing the faces that I love and miss so dearly.
I spoke to Doreen this week on the phone. I haven't been good at calling people in Utah for fear that it would break my heart too much and when I got off the phone with her, sure enough, I cried and cried.
I miss my friends, I miss my neighbors and I miss my kids.
I know this is where we are supposed to be, I get these reminders and glimpses and moments where the Spirit peeps in and says "You'll see, I promise...it will feel like this only bigger..." and sometimes I chase him right back out and tell him I'd rather mope.
I need to reach a place where it's okay to be 'big' happy here, but I'm not there yet. I have great days and happiness, I'm not trying to say I'm miserable, but I'm not really open and feeling like baby bird can spread her wings and fly yet.
I know I am where we are supposed to be, I know that God has brought us here, but oh, it's so very hard to be so far from the home I love.


......and watching this makes me miss my Dad, the Texan Tevye.
 :)

Excuse me while I go hide in the closet and eat a cake today.


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