Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Bleah

Bleah.
Rough day today.
The new family moves into the Utah house on Saturday.
I'm very happy that it sold so quickly, I'm very happy that a new family will love it as we did, but this step has been very hard to take for some weird reason.
A wave of grief and fear have swept my heart out to sea and I look around me and here I am, drowning again. I'm having many good days, but I'm also doing a lot to keep myself from hitting the ground about how hard this move is as well. If I stay busy, maybe one day I'll look around and my heart will have mended. Some days I am filled with so much hope, but today was not one of those days.
Today I kind of crashed and cried the big broken tears and said I wanted to just go home.
Today, I do.
Today I miss my house, I miss the street we lived on, I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss the sound of our yard and the familiar feel of summer in Salt Lake County. Union County, New Jersey does not feel like Salt Lake summer. Today I miss the familiar and I just couldn't keep busy enough to outrun it and today I bawled my head off and I'm very fragile tonight. I sit here, listening to the boom of the city fireworks and feeling the breeze of the ceiling fan I hate but need on me and my soul is struggling.
Shelbi B. said that when they moved to Chicago that it took 4 months for her to feel okay about it and 6 before she felt like it was home to her, but nobody ever told her that. It helped give me some idea of how long it's going to still be okay for me to adjust, and it's only been 4 weeks, if that.
Why do I feel like I haven't been home in a million years and such tremendous longing?

Yeah, I hit bottom hard today and I don't even really want to get back up right now.
Sleep will help and do some triage for my sore soul, but tonight..ugh..it sucks.
And I'm going to let myself say that and write about it, because it's my blog and I reserve the right to post more than pictures of things that make me fat.
Speaking of things that make me fat...
This, my friends, is salt bagel with cream cheese.
The bagels here are chewy and amazing and they have so many flavors and they don't all taste like dense Wonder Bread like they do at Einstein's.
This was so salty, it was almost too much.
That's saying a lot from a girl who literally dips her scrambled eggs in a pile of salt on the side of her plate. I love salt.
Zane is going to love this.
New favorite.

Matt had a craptastic day today, his wife was an emotional wreck and just before we were supposed to head out to go on a picnic with some folks from the ward, he cut his finger.
Like do we need to take you to the emergency room or just wrap it up in a whole roll of toilet paper bad. Since it's a holiday, we decided to just treat it ourselves, it's a deep cut, but he will live. I don't know if it would have warranted stitches or not, but we've got a butterfly bandage on it, some neosporin and 30 bucks worth of Fancy bandages made for people who about hack their fingertip off.

Power tools are hard.

There you have it.
Happy 4th of July.
I'm grouchy, mopey and feeling sorry for myself and my husband has a owie.
Bleah.

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